But the end is not just a period. It is more of a thousand exclamation points in your heart and a million question marks in your mind, plus a bunch of other signs and symbols you cannot comprehend. You try to decipher what they mean and you get obsessed with finding answers. “What happens next?” you ask yourself over and over. But, most of the time, you only find the answers when you stop asking questions.

Until then, you are stuck. You are stalling. And the end keeps pulling you back. Because when you are at the edge of a cliff, you always have to think twice about taking another step forward.

I knew I was not making a lot of progress. Every time I thought about starting another love story, memories would come flooding in, drowning me in a sea of regret and longing. I nourished the what-ifs and could-have-beens. It was like every time I took a step forward, I would take two steps back. I was still secretly holding on to my past relationship, oblivious to the fact that when I fully let go of it, I would fall in the right place.

One of the hardest things in life is forcing yourself to forget things that made you happy just because it is over. The more I forced myself to forget, the more I remembered. I got frustrated when I burned all our pictures together and realized that his face was forever engraved in my memory, that I already memorized his every expression, that I could see his smile even in my sleep.

Most of the time, people cannot let go of all the hurt because they are reminders of a good love story in the past. They hold on to those shattered pieces of their relationship. It is like watering a piece of firewood, the stupidity and pointlessness of it all, and hoping it will still grow, bear fruits and flowers, and live on. Only when they let go of everything that is weighing them down and holding them back will they finally have closure and move on.

But the end is like a magnet pulling you back, making it harder for you to move forward. You see the whole world going on at its usual pace and you are the only one who’s left behind, and you break down at the unfairness of it all.

Here is to teenage romances and not knowing why they hurt like hell. Here is to falling in and out of love and running in circles. To those nights I wish I was older, better, and wiser in judging people. To songs that make me cry. To those moments I get lost in reminiscing. Moments I cannot take back.

After a while, I got tired of crying and moping around. I stumbled upon the realization that people are always going to hurt me and I will encounter more endings than this, but this is not how I want to experience the end. As much as it gave me pain, it also gave me a lesson.

Life goes on. So do I.

I gave myself another chance. This time, I told myself, I should have totally moved on before I met the new one. I was afraid that I might mistake companionship for love. I was scared that after going through a whirlwind of pain and loneliness, I might fall for the first person who would show me that I was not alone. I did not want to make the same mistake and walk along that wrong path again. This time, I told myself, I will rescue myself before someone else does.

And so, between holding on and letting go, I didn’t have to choose. I simply had no choice.

Most love stories have tricky beginnings. People often think that the question “How did it start?” is synonymous to “How did you meet?” and so they make a long account of how they first laid eyes on each other. But, except for the real love-at-first-sight, romance does not have a definite starting point. It doesn’t necessarily mean that love stories begin at first meetings. Most of the time, people are not aware of how it all started, of the exact moment that they suddenly thought of each other and one tiny smile emerged on their faces, or of the very first time sparks flew between them.

Some nights, I would lie awake looking at the glow-in-the-dark stickers on the ceiling and think about how mine started. But then, I realized that I don’t know. That somewhere between then and now, I lost myself, and I lost track of time that I only see the past, present, and future as a big shapeless entity all jumbled up and flowing into each other. That although I had a eureka moment when I was taking a bath and I screamed “I love him!” out of nowhere, the love I felt might have started way before that, when I was doodling during a boring class and I unconsciously wrote his name, or when I bumped into him at the hallway and it sent me chills all over, or when… Well, honestly, when I pinpoint a situation that might have started my current love story, I remember another one before that, and another one.

Until my mind takes me to memories even before I met him, right when my previous relationship ended.

Every relationship that ends, ends brutally. Couples may walk calmly and quietly away from each other but they could still hear themselves breaking into pieces. They may say the famous line, “We could still be friends,” but things don’t ever stay the same. Goodbyes get stuck on their throats, and they choke because they know that when they utter those words, it will all be final. They hold on to that one last thread of hope, like children trying to preserve a soap bubble, and they pray silently, “Just for one more second please, let us be infinite.”

Endings are harsh and painful. You know, the usual crying yourself to sleep, refusing to eat or eating a lot, shutting yourself in your room, thinking of the past, wallowing in self-pity. I remember how devastated I was over my last break-up. I drifted in and out of sleep only to find out that it’s still the same damn day. I welcomed grief and regret. I hugged my loneliness. I got stranded between relieving memories and running away from them.

I lost my inspiration. I gave up those dreams we painted on the night sky. I believed everything was finished. I even tried to finish myself. But, there was something inside me that was still fighting my lost battle. I felt a faint flicker of hope, a tiny bud of faith, that this misery would not take forever. Nothing is permanent. Endings also end.

And the end of an end becomes the beginning of a new beginning.

Endings are the perfect beginnings, don’t you think? Just when a caterpillar got swallowed by its coccoon, it turned into a butterfly. Just when I thought the night was endless, the sun shone at the horizon. Just when I got my heart broken by the person I thought I’d marry, someone better came along.

A better me.

I got up one morning, after a relationship that happened so fast and ended too soon, and opened the windows to let sunlight into my dreary room. Summer was almost over and I felt that the sun was giving all its energy and bursting in its brightness for one last time before it went hiding behind the clouds of June. That was the time I gave myself another chance. Basking under the early morning sunshine, that was the moment I knew something I have known all along. I would have another love story.

And that, I decided, was where this love story started. At the end.

A man.

On stage, there was a fair amount of acting involved in order to engage the audience. A smile, a caress, even a glare had to be fixated to be justified on stage. Only this time was different, he mused. This time his actions were drawn out, almost methodically. This time his expressions were real, they meant something. He hadn’t needed to walk himself through the emotions of the play; because he felt them.

Even now, he was in utter shock; disbelieving every instant which had happened only moments ago and was promised to happen again later this evening. Maybe a second time around would confirm his doubts or maybe they would just let him down and he would find: there was nothing there. That all along he had been tricked, deceived by his own imaginations. Mislead by a discovery of hope he foolishly found in her.

A creak echoed around him, a telltale sign that the door nearest him had opened. A line of light illuminated the shadowy depths of his loneliness and in the rectangular shape appeared the form of a person.

“Oh!”

Now he knew who it was without having to busy himself with looking. Leon waited for her to close the door so that he could see her the minute his eyes laid upon her. They were already trained to the darkness, if he looked in the light it would be blinding.

“Yuri told me I might find you here.”Her voice wavered either from impatience or unease. He’d guess the latter.

The door sounded close with a whirr-click and Leon turned his icy blue gaze upon Sora.

She jumped “I’m sorry! Was I not supposed to know? I can leave if you want, it’s really okay with me, I mean I don’t mind getting out of your way!”

“No.” he interrupted before she could continue yammering “It is fine.”

Sora sighed relief as she hopped on to the lighting beams and tip-toed her way towards him. When she attained his position she sat beside him, her arms reaching to each side steadily grasping the metal beams and her feet swaying childishly back and forth.

She was so much happier than she ever thought she could have been. A stage with no competition was still a far-fetched dream, but now it didn’t seem so crazy. Everyone had joined together, become one, with her on stage. It was hard to contain the smile that spread widely across her face.

But when she was with the others celebrating, something was missing. Mia, Anna, Rosetta, Marion, Sarah, Yuri, Ken, Kalos, and Miss Layla were there! The whole cast was there! Even those that had come from circus’ she volunteered at were there! She was so happy to see them all! Yet when she looked around, she felt empty.

Her friends, her family were all with her, so what was it she was missing?

Yuri must have seen her fretting and thought she was looking for Leon. So he directed her to the lighting beams and said he often inspected the trapeze up there. Sora wasn’t sure she was looking for him, but when Yuri pointed out he was missing she just had to go and haul him back with her.

There was no reason to be sitting alone when he could be with friends.

“You are happy now?”

“Huh!” Sora snapped out of the trance silence brought her. She just couldn’t seem to focus on anything today. “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.”

“You are happy now? Now, that you have achieved your goal.”

“My goal…”

“…a stage without competition.”

Sora smiled, her gaze focused and relaxed on the stage below. “But I haven’t. Not completely. You see, there’s always going to be competition and I just have to be able to face it head on. But I can do that now, knowing that I can also bring out peoples angel hearts. Still, it’d be nice if there were no competition on the stage, at least when we’re performing.”

“Angel hearts?” his brow slightly raised.

“Yes. Everyone has a moment they love, a place in time that they miss and wish they could bring back. And I can do that. By performing on stage I can help them remember those days! And they can move on to create new ones! Maybe even with us!” she eagerly smiled at him, her arms raised, hands clenched in to determined fists. Then she remembered who she was with and her arms dropped. Sora laughed and rubbed the back of her head. “It’s silly, isn’t it?”

“It sounds it.”

“Doh!”

“But…I believe if anyone has a chance at making that happen, it is you.”

Sora looked up and giggled “Yeah, you’re right!”

He leaned back and closed his eyes.

“Um…so why do you come up here anyway?” she paused “Uh…not to say that it’s bad or anything! I was just curious and I didn’t want you to feel left out because I came to tell you that we were celebrating the success of our first show! I was hoping you’d come and…”

“Sora…”

“Yes!”

“I come up here to be alone so I can think clearly. But often I come up here searching for answers. It would seem all my questions have been answered…however the performance this morning raised a new one.”

“An answer? For what?”

He turned his gaze upon her again. Chills caressed her spine as her body shook with a shiver. But she wasn’t shivering because she was scared. Something in his cold eyes had changed; suddenly they weren’t so cold anymore.

“On stage, I am also a performer, Sora. Yet I could not control my emotions, unlike many times before. When I am on stage with you, especially now, I feel unbelievably free. With May it was much more contained. Perhaps, you could say, that is my angel heart on my sleeve.”

The light of hope gleamed in Sora’s eyes “So then…my performance wasn’t bad!”

While Leon wasn’t one too fond of May, he figured she did have a point on that “dense” idea. “It was…acceptable.” He smirked when he saw her shoulders slump out of the corner of his eye. “I have only one complaint.”

“Tell me!” she jumped up, situated on her knees now, her hands gripped tightly as if in prayer “Please, please tell me what I did wrong! I want to improve and be the best I can!”

Leon chuckled, patted her head and stood. He was walking away from her.

Sora immediately got up, faltering a bit before catching herself and chasing after him. “Leon!”

“The only complaint I have…” he started as he moved to the door “…is on your method of acting.”

Acting! She thought furiously. None of what she had done was acting! She felt those emotions! The audience’s emotions! All that was real!

He was staring at the door knob in a serious manner. It was like all those other times he was disappointed in her or had expected more. Suddenly, Sora feared the answer. She almost didn’t want to know. But she needed to! Mistakes were no option!

“Tell me, please! I can handle it!” she stormed up behind him, determined to face him straight on.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!”

In the blink of an eye Leon spun around, his hand gripping her chin and pulling it towards him. He tipped in close. So close, she thought. Sora could see specks of a darker shade of blue in his eyes with how near they were. Is he going to kiss me? No! No! No! Not Leon! He would never think of such a thing, but why is his head getting closer!

“When you go to kiss someone…” his voice was husky, his breath warm on her skin.

Sora stood rigid, frozen in his grasp. “L-L-Leon!” she stammered, but he wasn’t listening. His eyes gently closed as he leaned in a bit more.

She was going to fight; to jump away from him in a second! And then her performance flashed before her eyes.

Even then, she thought, I considered kissing him.

Sora closed her eyes, her lips parted. She was startled to know that she anticipated the kiss, wanted the kiss. No one made her feel this way. So why did she feel so vulnerable around him?

“..you lean in close…”

A demon, they had called him. Perhaps a demon could put people under spells because Sora certainly felt like she was being charmed. Her eyelids were heavy, even her legs felt heavy, she felt so helpless she reached up to grab his arms to stop from falling, but her hands only caught air. Was he gone?

Reluctantly her eyes opened, revealing his retreating form. “…and refuse to pull away. Next time, Sora Naegino, if you lean in for a kiss, you execute the kiss. Otherwise you shall live to regret it.”

The door slammed after he smoothly slid behind it, leaving her in her own silence and darkness.

“Um…What just happened!”

(A fanfiction from http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6307461/1/An_Amazing_OneShot)

Well, it started during our field trip. My barkada divided into smaller groups and couples and I was kind of left alone. So, Cathy, my best friend then, asked him to accompany me throughout the day. She was going with my uncle and Angeline, my other best friend, was with John. Oh, the couples that time. So he, being so infatuated with Cathy, couldn’t say no and stayed with me until the bus ride home. Looking back, I wonder if he really enjoyed my company or got bored but just kept his feelings. Anyway, it was a very memorable day for me. We even had a picture together, with him ever so handsome and tall, and me ever so smiling and slightly leaning on his  shoulders. We were wearing our PE uniforms. Ugh, see, I remember everything. He was the ultimate gentleman. He held my hand every time we were getting out of the rides. He held my hand when we were getting out of the bus. He tolerated my fear of haunted houses and let me cling to him when we were inside that awfully wretched place. And on the bus ride home, we sat together. He lent me his jacket and let me sleep on his shoulder.

That was the day I fell in love with him. Or so I thought. I started writing diaries about him. I blankly stared at him during class. I was sitting at the back, left side of the room, and he was sitting at the right side, near the window. Then it got awkward. We seldom talked to each other. I think it was me who ran away. I think I was afraid of getting hurt. I was new to this thing, you know, back then. So, I didn’t know what to do. I was stupid.

It was Bulprisa week and we seldom had classes. One dismissal time, we talked. I forgot the details but that was the first time we talked seriously, since the field trip. Everything that happened next was a blur. He was still kind to me, but I was kind of wishing for more. More than friendship, I mean. More than polite smiles. At a young age, I hoped for romance. And got disappointed.

Well, anyway, I remember avoiding him for the rest of the school year. It was difficult because I was really drawn to him, you know. I managed to ignore my little infatuation when I heard he was going to change school next school year. I convinced myself that it was gonna be more painful if he already left and I still had a big crush on him.

But, he didn’t change school the following year. And I still remember our first conversation in a long time. It was our general cleaning and our chairs were all outside the classroom. I was sitting there, my head on the armchair, expression kind of glum. He passed by and asked, “Ui, okay ka lang?” He was smiling. I smiled too.

And for the record, I miss him. This is nostalgia, you know. Deep inside, I was hoping that he, or anyone else, would ask if I’m okay and wouldn’t believe me if I said yes.

(Ugh, the rain really gets into my mood right now.)

Remember when we were so in love? You with me, I with someone else. I was a pathetic loser for loving him so blindly even though I could see you very well. You understood me completely, that it takes time to move on, that I need you to get my mind off him, that I was stupid for being so romantically attached to someone else when I know in my mind and heart that I’m better off with you. You were patient and kind and gentlemanly and sweet.  Why did you have to go before I could say I love you too?

I wish it was that easy to know your whereabouts. I wish I could still see you from time to time. I wish you wouldn’t go to where I couldn’t follow. I wish you were still here, with me, on Earth, in my reality. Here, now.

It seems that I have to find myself again. It’s one old cliche, but it’s the only appropriate thing I have to do right now. I don’t know where I’m going or why I’m going this way, wherever it is. All I know is that I’ve been so careless, so out of control, so tired, and so misunderstood. I wanted to find real meaning to this fucked up life. I know I’m being melodramatic right now. But hell, I wanted to be someone better than myself.

I wanted to love my course, which seems getting boring lately. I wanted to trust my friends, but all I did was to avoid them. i wanted to pour everything to my parents, but they were always busy with stuff and they got no time to talk to me.

I feel so alone right now and I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry again, for sending you this pathetic message. I know you wouldn’t read it all. But I wanted to make the effort, nonetheless. I’m not important to you anyway, just an online friend with whom you talk to in passing. But hey, with those random conversations, you made me feel listened to. You made me think that i still have a connection with somebody, however small that connection was. Because right now, even my friends are too busy to hang out with me. And I’m always the whiny-assed loser friend they’ll ever have.

I’m sick of all the drama really.
I want to end this.

I might be out of reach for a very long time.
Thanks, Rhailee, for being my friend.

Have you ever noticed how a gray, rainy day makes you feel gloomy and tired, but a sunny day can leave you feeling cheerful and energized? Well, there’s a scientific reason for this. Insufficient exposure to sunlight has been associated with low levels of melatonin and serotonin, carbohydrate craving, weight gain, and sleep disturbance.

• Depressed mood (or alternatively can be irritable mood in children and adolescents).
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities.
• Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain or decrease or increase in appetite.
• Insomnia or hypersomnia.
• Psychomotor agitation or retardation.
• Fatigue or loss of energy.
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt.
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness.
• Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

Seriously? Ako pa ngayon ang nananadya, ha. At feeling mo ikaw lang ang nasasaktan. Parang ang unfair naman yata. Sana lang naisip mo rin na mas nasasaktan ako ngayon. Dahil sila, kahit gaano man sila karami, kaya ko silang isuko para sayo. Pero ikaw, kaya mo ba yun? Don’t worry, I already know the answer. Kailangan ko rin namang tanggapin na hindi ako mawawalan ng kahati sayo, diba? Kailangan ko ring magparaya, wag ka lang mawala sakin.

Sa totoo lang, kung kaya kong isuko ka, matagal ko na sanang ginawa. Matagal na sana akong hindi nagpakita sayo. Matagal na sana kitang hindi kinausap. Pero hindi ka pa rin naniniwala eh. Lagi mo paring sinusumbat sakin na marami kang kaagaw. Lagi mo paring sinasabi na pinagseselos kita. Sadya? Sadya ko ba???

Nakakainis. Kaya ko lang naman sila kinakausap at tinetext para ma-feel ko na may nagpapahalaga sakin ng totoo. Kasi feeling ko, hindi mo kaya yun. Gusto ko, maramdaman ko na kahit sa kanila man lang, wala akong kaagaw, na ako at ako lang yung mahal nila, na wala silang ibang obligasyon. Yung ako lang. Ganun ako ka-selfish. Buti nga sa yo, hindi ako naghihigpit. Sabagay, wala naman akong karapatan.

Kaya parang awa mo na, kung gusto mong magtagal tayo hanggang sa maayos ang magulo nating relasyon, hayaan mo ko tulad ng pagpaparaya ko sayo. Hindi ko na sinasabing nagseselos ako kay Marie, kahit putanginang gusto ko na syang patayin, kasi alam kong ako naman yung lugi. Wala naman akong dalawang anak sayo. Sino ba ko, diba? Hindi ko narin sinasabi sa yo yung mga pangarap ko para sating dalawa kasi ayoko nang ma-disappoint ng sobra. Minsan mo na kasi akong iniwan, alam kong magagawa mo ulit yun. Ngayon pa nga lang, feeling ko ayaw mo na eh.

Please lang, konting pag-intindi naman. Nakakapagod din kasi na ako yung laging umuunawa sa kalagayan mo. Alam kong mahal mo ko. Mahal din naman kita, at ikaw lang ang mahal ko. Laki ng pagkakaiba no? Tapos sila, mahal din nila ako, at ako lang ang mahal nila. Mahal nila ako at sa tingin ko, mas higit pa yun sa pagmamahal mo sakin. Kaya lang, ayoko naman sa kanila. Putangina, pinagpipilitan ko yung sarili ko sayo kahit ang sikip-sikip na. Kahit hindi na ko kasya. Kahit minsan, feeling ko kaya mo naman akong isantabi dahil meron ka namang iba.