[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

taglish pointlessness!

Nagbabasa ako ng mga blogs ng strangers at napansin kong 5 hours na pala ang lumipas simula nang maupo ako sa swiveling chair para gumawa ng stuff sa aking computer. Pero sa five hours na yun, wala akong nagawa kundi basahin ang blogs ng mga taong nagpapalipas-oras lang din. I considered it a total waste of time… of effort… of money for another increase in our electricity bill. And what did I get from it? Isang malaking himutok at inis dahil maganda ang mga blogs nila. Samantalang yung akin, inaamag na dahil sa kawalan ng sense at style. It’s unfair for me… really!

As if somebody cared naman to read my blog entries. Well, thanks to those who pitied me and read my blog, or commented on it. But still, I felt rejected. I am envious at those great ideas they post. They can share their opinions without beating about the bush, without shifting sides, and without getting confused in the end. They could argue very well and defend their side. They know how to make twists and irks, thus making their blog more enjoyable to read. They just have a heck of imagination and they can verbalize what they’re thinking. They gain lots of compliments and strong insights. And they just know how to relate with the readers. Again, it’s unfair!

Ako, natutuliro na ang utak sa kaiisip ng magandang topic. <and this is the topic that came to my mind. wth?!> I have lots of ideas I can’t put into words. <at least, I’ve put this one into words!> I always fail to finish what I started. <and I dunno if I could finish this one, too…> and I hate it! <yep, so much!> I hate my impatience. I hate my undone essays. I hate my thoughts for not coming out of my mind. And I hate myself more that ever because I should’ve admired my works. But instead, I am admiring the works of those people I dunno if they appreciate my admiration. <or if they know I admire them.>

I know it’s wrong to compare my works to theirs. But I wanna get better. Gusto kong mahigitan sila. Gusto kong patunayan sa sarili ko na worthwhile ding magbasa ng blogs <especially when they’re mine>. I want to produce something original… something worth everyone’s praises… something extraordinary…

Or do I just want so much from myself? Am I pushing myself beyond my boundaries? Am I chasing rainbows? Is it just hard for me to accept that I can’t do anything anymore to improve my essays?!!

Now, I want great wisdom. Please help me accept my imperfection. I need justice! ‘coz it’s still unfair for me…

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One response

  1. mary! well your blog is so much like you — interesting and sweet 🙂

    for whatever it’s worth, my blog is like yours. just a venue to be spontaneous, to rant, to rave, to be profound sometimes, to be crazy some others. ok naman a…. and no, you aren’t chasing rainbows, because i know you write and think well. besides, wouldn’t you rather chase rainbows than anything else that’s worthless?

    keep writing. i’ll keep lurking around to read you. miss ya! HUGS!

    October 24, 2007 at 1:53 AM

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