..i woke up this morning with the growing feeling of hopelessness. the first thirty minutes or so of my waking hours challenged me to fight with the great magnetic force of my bed. i was already thinking about ditching my chem lecture class [again] and just lie down until i get tired of lying down, but my school-loving side won over. or was that my roommate’s voice?
..anyway, i hurriedly took a bath, which took up 20 minutes of my time, and hurriedly put on my clothes and some make-up.
..actually, my first class was supposed to start at 7:00am. and my ever-excited professor was never late because he was always on the mood to teach that ever-interesting chemistry thingy. blaaah~! it took us 10 minutes to walk from our dorm to our classroom. and that made us 20 minutes late.
..i sat on the chair. and this was where it all started. first, i said a few hellos and good mornings to my classmates. then i extended the pleasantries by asking for their homeworks [and for me to copy]. a classmate gave his paper to me. *lucky* ..then our lab head told me that there would be no DG for today as mentioned when we were not yet there. *lucky!* ..i have to tell you, next to the long exams, DGs are the most dreadful things in my chem class. really. they are the reasons why i fear Fridays. they are the things that keep me devastated during weekends. and when i knew that there would be no DG today, i felt like in heaven.
..i was supposed to have a sociology class. but i ditched it [again] because i need to copy [again] for the post-lab thingy. it was about these data sheets that were to be filled with equations and stuff that are beyond my realm of understanding. i approached my roommate [we are in the same chem lec class and we both have chem laboratory classes] to copy from her and i found myself going with her and her friends to McDonald’s. it was where we did the post-lab. we also ate our breakfast there.
..was our chem lab class. and we were still at McDo, which was a jeep and a walk away from the chem building.
..we finally reached the building but we still needed to fill up the data sheets. and so we hurriedly copied from a source. hahaha~!
..i entered our classroom. and did i tell you that i was late? oh yeah, but luckily, the class hadn’t started yet. and so i passed the homework and the post-lab. whew~!
..the class ended early, luckily. haha~! usually, chem lab class ends at 1pm. anyway, i walked to the dorm, ate lunch with roommate, packed my clothes and brought them to the laundromat. and finally, finally, i went home to bulacan.
..i went to balagtas [again] to buy a headset for my computer. i saw my dorm mate there and chatted with her for a while. then i headed home.
..in the jeep, i met a guy [who was actually cute] and just played look-at-me-and-look-away for three-fourths of the journey. then, when we were the only ones in the jeep, he finally talked to me. haha~! yeah, so basically, he’s cute.
..like my saying goes, “Don’t talk to strangers, except when they’re cute.”
..and i felt lucky to have ridden that jeep and saw him there. funny coincidence.
..technically, it’s not “today” anymore. just a yesterday. i hope my luck wouldn’t run out until now, or forever. hahaha~!
..i don’t even know why i’m writing this time. perhaps, i need to pour all the negative energies inside me into this lifeless computer. it wouldn’t hurt it so bad, i know. it’s better than sulking (or am i sulking now?). it’s better than doing nothing for sure.
..i may be better now. i already realized what’s missing in my life. APPRECIATION.
..for the past few weeks, i felt like i’ve been losing my faith. my grip wasn’t that tight. my burdens heavier. i’ve been so preoccupied with worthless things. like whining about inevitable circumstances. like sticking with regrets. and bitching about little stuff. oftentimes, i was like a mindless puppet, following an invisible hand that drives me toward nothingness. i was always tired, or maybe i just programmed my mind to think that i was always tired. i know i’ve been so wrong.
..but now, i guess i’m here for a change. i haven’t had that spark in my eyes for long. and i was hypnotized by the feeling that i was, indeed, a useless crap. now i’m waking up. now i need to find my worth. now i need to find that connection again, that certain bond that kept me going for years. i need a new life, a new vision, maybe a new driving force to keep me on track.
..perhaps, i just need more time to think of all the things i’m supposed to be thankful for. i just have to appreciate the things i always take for granted. and i have to ponder over the reasons why i’m still here. breathing… and writing.
..maybe because of LOVE.
in all it’s senses.
..i know time would come when friends want more than friendship, close friends are nowhere to be found, good friends become silent enemies, and the best friend cannot even fight for me. i know it would come sooner or later. i just didn’t know it would happen right now.
mahirap nga naman mag-feeling (feelinggera) na marami kang kaibigan pero ang totoo ay epal ka lang. mahirap umasa na mananatili kayong magkaibigan hanggang sa huli kung sila naman ay umaasa na dadating yung panahon na mahihigitan nyo ang pagkakaibigang ‘yon. mahirap ding umasa na magiging magkaibigan parin kayo kung sila naman ay tinuturing na kayong kaaway. yung iba mong kabigan, hindi mo na alam kung nasaan. mga wala nang pakialam. pinakamahirap sa lahat, yung best friend mo, hindi ka man lang maipagtanggol kahit alam n’yang ikaw yung tama.
nakakainis yung mga taong sarili lang nila yung iniisip nila. tulad nalang nung sinabi nung isa na ‘wag akong mag-alala dahil ayos lang sa kanya kahit may iba akong gusto. hindi naman talaga iyon ang problema ko eh. hindi ko naman talaga s’ya inaalala. wala akong pakialam. ang inaalala ko kasi ay yung kalagayan ko. naisip ba n’yang hindi ayos sa akin yun? na ako yung nahihirapan?
nakakainis din yung mga taong gumagawa ng usap na hindi matapos-tapos. ilang beses ko na siguro s’yang binanggit sa blog ko. siguro, paulit-ulit narin ako. pero takte naman, ayaw kasi n’yang tumigil. sige na, sakanya na. hindi ko naman aagawin sa kanya yun eh. may sarili na akong buhay. magsarili nalang din sila. please lang.
naiinis ako. nakakasakit kasi ng ulo. [headache na naman]
sige na, umalis na kayong lahat. [wag sana si partner Tchii.]
iyak nalang ako.
..the worst mornings are when you wake up from a nightmare AND with a headache.
..just like today. i opened my eyes, the nightmare still vivid in my memory as if it was so real, and i saw my room spinning so fast. neither the room nor i was moving. the problem were my eyes, my head, my whole body. i tried to get up and my head throbbed furiously on my smallest move. so i lied there, so stiff like the dead in a cold casket.
..i didn’t know what happened so wrong last night for me to feel that way. it was scary. surreal. as if it was not my body. as if i was looking from a distance. i wondered. was i going to die?
..my head is still throbbing until now. just a reminder of my worst morning.
remaining time: 0
..you’re now one of my failed experiments. and you’re not important anymore. sorry..
..your time is over. we’re way past the deadline. and now, the extension period is also over. you have to go. i’m sorry. i think it wouldn’t work out. it’s not meant to work out, anyway.
..there’s nothing more we can do. it’s over.
~is there a chance for us to be closer, for me to feel that you are real, to again sit by you as you tell silly stories, to again walk by you as you pass by, for us to be just as simple as best friends, to fill the empty spaces in my heart, and to tell you how i feel?~
“sometimes, you’ll never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.”
one good thing about keeping a lot of memorabilia is that you could relive moments in your life that are now pieces of your past. the downside is when the past was better than the present, and you feel disappointment instead of euphoria.
i’m the kind of person who keeps mounds and mounds of memorabilia, mostly trash and junk [like candy wrappers and receipts]. during ordinary days, i would always ask myself why i still keep those mundane things. then i’d think about dumping them in the trash can, a thing i couldn’t bring myself to do for the past, uhh, five years at least.
but during those days when i was so down, i realized that those things, no matter how small they were, still serve their purpose of reminding what life used to be. it was a breather actually. i had those reminiscences when life was still simple and slow, when you could talk the real talk, and use the original spelling of words when writing. i still might have been writing on my diary instead of blogging, and writing long letters instead of texting. but things changed.
on the other hand, some things serve a purpose they’re not supposed to be serving. like a comedian who awkwardly played dramatic role in a movie. somehow, a lot of my things didn’t bring that ecstatic feeling, like having tears of joy, or laughing when some thoughts came to me. instead, they brought regrets, a little grudge, some pangs of guilt, and disappointment. there are times when i oversee a happy memory and i jump to the ending where it, well, ended. most of the time, things didn’t end so well. it might be a hearbreak, or friendship thingies where both parties ended up not being friends anymore.
those endings were almost always my fault. then i’d have a momentary mental breach [or something like that] when i’d think of all the what-ifs, should-have-beens, and if-onlys i could think of. i’d carry those regrets and disappointments for a while until sweet moments come along again.
like right now. i’m longing for a person i met long before. most likely wishing for his past personality. or perhaps i’m just so stuck with my past that i couldn’t accept these changes. i must say that we’re sweeter when we’re not together. you know.
and i’ll just add that i already know why people tend to stay in bad relationships. it has something to do with moments and memories. [reinforcers and schedule of reinforcement, sir?]
oh well, i guess i just miss him. and i have lots of idle time. so idle time plus missing him equals tons of bullshit. and this is what it’s all about.
you know. just bullshit.
..i just wish this love would be reciprocated or something..