[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

..sweet moments into bitter memories..

~is there a chance for us to be closer, for me to feel that you are real, to again sit by you as you tell silly stories, to again walk by you as you pass by, for us to be just as simple as best friends, to fill the empty spaces in my heart, and to tell you how i feel?~

“sometimes, you’ll never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory.”

one good thing about keeping a lot of memorabilia is that you could relive moments in your life that are now pieces of your past. the downside is when the past was better than the present, and you feel disappointment instead of euphoria.

i’m the kind of person who keeps mounds and mounds of memorabilia, mostly trash and junk [like candy wrappers and receipts]. during ordinary days, i would always ask myself why i still keep those mundane things. then i’d think about dumping them in the trash can, a thing i couldn’t bring myself to do for the past, uhh, five years at least.

but during those days when i was so down, i realized that those things, no matter how small they were, still serve their purpose of reminding what life used to be. it was a breather actually. i had those reminiscences when life was still simple and slow, when you could talk the real talk, and use the original spelling of words when writing. i still might have been writing on my diary instead of blogging, and writing long letters instead of texting. but things changed.

on the other hand, some things serve a purpose they’re not supposed to be serving. like a comedian who awkwardly played dramatic role in a movie. somehow, a lot of my things didn’t bring that ecstatic feeling, like having tears of joy, or laughing when some thoughts came to me. instead, they brought regrets, a little grudge, some pangs of guilt, and disappointment. there are times when i oversee a happy memory and i jump to the ending where it, well, ended. most of the time, things didn’t end so well. it might be a hearbreak, or friendship thingies where both parties ended up not being friends anymore.

those endings were almost always my fault. then i’d have a momentary mental breach [or something like that] when i’d think of all the what-ifs, should-have-beens, and if-onlys i could think of. i’d carry those regrets and disappointments for a while until sweet moments come along again.

like right now. i’m longing for a person i met long before. most likely wishing for his past personality. or perhaps i’m just so stuck with my past that i couldn’t accept these changes. i must say that we’re sweeter when we’re not together. you know.

and i’ll just add that i already know why people tend to stay in bad relationships. it has something to do with moments and memories. [reinforcers and schedule of reinforcement, sir?]

oh well, i guess i just miss him. and i have lots of idle time. so idle time plus missing him equals tons of bullshit. and this is what it’s all about.

you know. just bullshit.

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