[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

irony and confusion

[made last January 19, 2009]

nabasa ko yung previous entry. medyo natawa ako at nainis at the same time. hmm, how would i put this?!!

it was sort of ironic that i’ve gone to the point of desperation to have him back. i mean Abe. it was like wanting him and not wanting him at the same time. like only wanting him when he doesn’t want me back. like i don’t want this to be mutual. well, i wanted his attention at first, you know. and that’s where i’m confused until now. was seeking for his attention a sign of being in love? i don’t really know because i’m still having doubts if i really got in love already.

well, yeah, magulo kasi akong kausap. sobra. dati, gustong-gusto kong magkabalikan kami ni Abe. “akala” ko mahal ko nga talaga sya. [o baka naman minahal ko nga talaga sya.] hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang sarili ko. anyway, nagkabalikan naman kami. tapos naki-epal naman si Kuya KJ, at lalong gumulo ang buhay ko. i mean, gusto ko si Kuya KJ. sobra. it was a long story anyway. so, ayun, parang naulit lang yung dating nangyari samin ni Rey. But this time, hindi ako nakipagbreak kay Abe. mali ba yun?! oh, well, alam kong mali. that’s two-timing, i know. my point is wala namang naapektuhan sa kanilang dalawa. actually, conscience ko lang ang nagugulo. they really have different worlds. the only thing they have in common is their relationship with me…

so, mahal ko pa nga ba si Abe? AND mahal ko ba si KJ? or nalunod lang ako sa reminiscences? hindi ko talaga maintindihan. maybe love ko silang dalawa at ako lang ang nagpapagulo sa utak ko. or maybe, dapat ko nang itigil ang lahat… pati ang pag-iisip sa mga ganitong bagay. ang haggard eh!!!

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