[made yesterday, february 25, 2009]
i don’t even know what i’m supposed to write. i just grabbed the pen as if by instinct. perhaps, i missed the old connection. papel at bolpen. how could i forget that poem?!!
old ghosts are haunting me… again. i have that eerie feeling of going back in time and watching scenes of my past in slow motion. i hate this feeling. it’s not a joyful reminiscence. these are ghosts of my past, for God’s sake!
i know things aren’t going very well for me. i’ve been too sleep-deprived to focus on the important things. i’m not enjoying my life as a college student. i always look forward to weekends, thinking that going home is just the best escape from campus. but upon arriving home, the first thing that comes to my mind is getting away from home as far as possible. i miss being home, yet i don’t like being there. it’s like being with strangers. i couldn’t see my significance anymore. i couldn’t feel that they really care. i’m always ignored. when their attention is diverted to me, it’s never positive.
now, these old ghosts are reminding me that it’s actually my fault that my family is treating me like this. they are telling me how i got punished and scolded long long time ago. they are reminding me that i already lost their trust — something i could never take back.
so where’s this idea of moving on? getting over the past? will i forever be the bad girl? will they forever believe that i lost my way? don’t they know how to forgive?
the old ghosts are smirking.