stories left untold
..and i thought there’s nothing going on inside my crazy head.. 😀
..i’m still confused about what to make out of what i knew. but instead of getting mad or pissed off, i found myself laughing in front of this weary computer. was he saying that we’re not friends anymore? 😀 [oh God, why am i laughing?]
..i know i’m effin wrong for keeping him in the dark for so long. i know i’ve been so immersed with doodling stupid hearts and angels and so i didn’t notice his presence. well, at least i learned that doodling is an effective way of blocking thoughts. or did i just use doodling as an excuse to ignore him? [oh God, i’m talking BS again.]
..i didn’t confide everything in him. perhaps i was thinking that he wouldn’t understand. or maybe i was afraid that he would laugh at me at some point. i didn’t want too much connection. i didn’t want to fall in love with him that much. i didn’t want him to know me better. it was better that way, i thought. i had to stick with the idea of space. there must be something that would keep us apart. without it, it would be too hard for me to let go in the end.
..and that was the problem with me. i already thought of the end.
..i never thought that it’s possible it wouldn’t end. i got stuck with drastic endings. tragedies. heartbreaks. it’s just difficult to imagine a happy ending. i’m done with fairy tales. i’ m done with the ideal life. i know everything sounds bitter. but that’s just me, getting real with myself and the world. i don’t want to find myself hoping for a sweet day ahead and then wishing for a miracle. cause at the end of it all, i’ll just get disappointed.
..anyway, now we’re almost at the end. and i haven’t told him everything yet. i haven’t told him all my fears and joys and wants. i haven’t told him all the reasons why i was acting that way. maybe i wouldn’t tell him anymore. there must be storied left untold.