An Email from Matt
lately, i’ve been the cold one. i’ve been ignoring your texts and calls and emails. perhaps you are thinking that i’m happy that it’s over. perhaps you’re thinking that i’m now taking advantage of my “freedom”, chasing girls and flirting with them. well, i’m not. and honestly, i’m more devastated than you are right now.
i thought you would demand an explanation first. the real explanation of things. cause i know you didn’t believe me when i said i ran out of credits on my cellphone. i know you didn’t believe me when i said i got grounded by my parents. those are obvious lies anyway. and i’m very sorry i did that to you.
though you didn’t ask me to explain [perhaps because you didn’t wanna hear any more lies from me, or maybe because you’re just too tired to understand me], i still owe you an explanation. i strongly believe i owe you the real explanation.
FEAR. i don’t know how long or since when fear has been dictating what i’m gonna do with my life. i may look strong on the surface but that was just a mask hiding my vulnerable self. i’m weak. i’m scared. i’m vulnerable. i’m not perfect.
you became a threat. you woke up those fears in me. fear of getting too involved. fear of falling in love. fear of getting hurt. fear of losing control. at first, all i wanted to do was get to know you, have a couple of dates somewhere, and just have fun. it was all i was after ~ FUN. and i’m sorry. i’m wrong. i admit it. i didn’t plan to end up like this. i got too involved with you and i wasn’t ready for what happened. i fell in love with you. i don’t want complicated things in my life. LOVE IS A VERY COMPLICATED THING.
so i withdrew myself. i made a distance, some sort of a barrier that would protect me from you. i thought doing this would prevent me from loving you. i thought if i stayed away from you, i’d somehow save myself.
but no, it didn’t happen. and now, i’m hurting myself by hurting you. i was wrong. i didn’t let go of my feelings completely. i was swallowed by all my fears. and now i lost my strength ~ YOU. i don’t know if this realization was too late now. i don’t know if you’d ever come back. i just hope you would accept this explanation to settle things. and i hope we could both MOVE ON ~ whether together or apart…
i love you. you’re the only one who made me recognize this feeling and actually tell it. i hope you could and would forgive my selfishness.