[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

i was supposed to be broken, but i was not.

→ in the process of getting over and moving on, what you need is not someone who would heal your broken heart. rather, you need someone who would make you realize that nothing’s broken after all.

i don’t know where i got this idea. maybe i read this from somewhere.

anyway, i’ve been depressed lately, not because of a broken heart but because i was starting to think that i’m already immune to heartbreak. when i learned that my boyfriend was sort of cheating on me, i waited to feel the pain. i knew it. it was supposed to come right after i heard the news. but nothing happened.

i sat there, unfeeling, uncaring. i tried to feel if my heart was still there. if yes, why didn’t i feel it aching? if no, then where did it go?

that was the first time that a boyfriend of mine actually cheated on me. what’s more is that his other girlfriend is my neighbor and friend. not that it’s a big deal for me. wait, did i just say that it’s not a big deal for me? see what’s wrong? i’m not making this a big deal. i didn’t really care if they’re having an affair on my back. worse, perhaps i wouldn’t also care if they’re having an affair right in front of me.

okay, so i know this wasn’t the right attitude when facing a situation like this.

but i guess i could rationalize. i have a hypothesis.

suppose there’s someone who served as my immune system. he was the one who prepared me so i could face heartaches like they’re just dusts — they would make me teary-eyed but not for long. he was the one who told me to ignore the symptoms of too much love. he was the one who taught me not to be dependent of my boyfriend.

instead, i had grown dependent of him, my immune system.

i think this is why i didn’t feel any pain when my boyfriend cheated on me. it’s because i was the one who cheated first. it’s because my immune system already shielded me from the arrow of heartbreak that was shot towards me. i was never deeply involved with my boyfriend to feel deep feelings. and for me, our relationship already ended even before he decided to cheat on me.

so, technically, he didn’t cheat on me.

well, the quote above doesn’t really apply to me. my heart wasn’t broken this time. no one broke my heart.

for me, don’t wait till you get your heart broken. look for someone who wouldn’t hurt you, someone who would maintain it’s steady rhythm. because if it gets broken, it could be fixed but the crack would still be there. your heart would never ever be the same again.

but, if ever my heart got hurt real bad, if it’s just possible, i would throw it and find another heart.

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