[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

His hazel eyes.

i know it’s too unfair to compare all the guys with Jeff. well, he became my ideal guy, and it was sort of ironic because he was once real in my life. i get crazy with all my futile attempts of forgetting him, only to realize that the harder i try to forget, the more i remember. i tried to block away thoughts of him but i simply couldn’t. he then became a ghost of a distant past, someone i wanted to be dead but was still lingering in my memory.

almost every guy i date was mindlessly criticized by that part of my brain that was holding on to Jeff. i would hear myself saying, “You don’t have hazel eyes.” there my date was seated, dumbfounded, wondering why on earth does that matter. i wanted to scream at them that i only want Jeff. i want him and his hazel eyes that sparkle and turn golden when he talks, his goddamn lips, his walk, his smile, his soothing voice, his steady hands.

then all my memories would break into pieces, except those with Jeff. i’d see hundreds of nameless and faceless people in my mind, not knowing who they were, not caring that i don’t know. all that’s important was Jeff. it was like an obsession. more like an insanity.

he was all i could remember. and i know it’s killing me.

i don’t know how to end this story. maybe because my agony isn’t over yet. maybe because until now, i still write about Jeff and his hazel eyes.

because until now, i still love him and i haven’t moved on yet.


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