[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

Admit it, Gigay

my professor said i probably am going through depression. i know it sounds silly, and depression is a strong word, but maybe he’s right.

i’ve been going through shit lately. there are lots of things on my mind. and honestly, i don’t know how the hell i’d handle them all.

there are times when i wander aimlessly around the house. it seems empty, lifeless. a lot of things have changed since childhood and i desperately hope for the contentment i found here before. before i grew up and realized life is a big jerk.

there are times when i feel so regretful about my life. like everything i did was a mistake. like i should’ve taken a different path, made a wiser decision, or turned the opposite corner. if i did something differently, would it make me a different person? or would i end up with this crap all over again?

where have i gone wrong? i was hoping i could look into memories and point out the events that made my life miserable like now. but i couldn’t exactly tell which ones were wrong, which ones were right. i could only look back in retrospect and tell the changes, but not the things that made me change. i could tell that yes, my life was getting worse, but i couldn’t tell why.

there are times when tears fall, and i don’t even know the reason why i’m crying. i just feel like it. problem is, after i cried, i was hoping i’d get lighter, but i felt nothing of that sort. i cry, dry my tears, and cry all over again. i’m pathetic.

i drink beer more often than usual, just because. i don’t have to have an excuse. i ran out of excuses years ago.

i have a hard time sleeping. the usual book-before-sleep is not working anymore. my phone usually run out of songs to play and i’m still awake thinking of countless thoughts. at some point in the night, i’ll manage to drift off, only to be awaken by some sort of a dream, nightmare, or the dog barking. then i won’t be able to go back to sleep, even after i exhausted myself with exercise or household chores.

i easily get pissed off by someone or something. i am moody. i do not find enjoyment in the things i consider interesting before. i feel dull. i cannot find anything worthwhile, even this blogging thing. even facebook, for God’s sake.

my boyfriend said i seem cold to him. well, i seem cold to myself too, if that’s a consolation. i miss my boyfriend, a lot, but i can’t do anything about it right now. i’m trapped in this hostile environment and the strangers i live with are surprisingly my parents and my brother. i’m out of place in my own home.

okay, so enough for that. i should be dealing with my barrel of issues rather than sulking here where no one even notices. many times, i was thinking why the hell i put a lot of effort on my blog when in fact, no one even reads it. no one even cares. sometimes, even me.

right now, i feel so alone. but i think i am the one pushing those people out of my life. sometimes, i think i deserve this. i am the one who put this fucking fate on myself and i have to find a way to deal with it. and i’m still insisting that i can handle this alone, without anyone’s help. well, sooner or later, i’ll be drowning in my pride because i don’t very well know how to swim.

oh well, anyway, what’s the point? my life sucks. i’m depressed. dammit.


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