when both of us can’t…
i am still trying to read you. sometimes, i would think if i really matter, because you seemed so preoccupied by other things. and those other things seemed more important than me. sometimes, i would wave my hand in front of you just to see if you knew i was there. then you’d just get startled. and i would know that you were somewhere else, not there with me, and in a different place and time. anywhere and anytime but the present.
sometimes, i would hear you singing. i would drown in your voice until it was all i could hear. but then, i’d open my eyes and look at you, and for a moment i knew you were not singing to me. you were not singing for me. i couldn’t place the feeling in your tone. i could only listen to a distant soul, with life and meaning that only depend on memories. memories that does not belong to me. nor to us. i could hear you longing for someone else, not me. i was pretty sure of it because you only long for someone you don’t have. and you already have me.
but i know, i know, these don’t happen so often.
because most of the times, we’re doing fine. most of the times, i let these pass. you smile at me, sometimes absently, and you know i love your every smile. you make me happy when you hug me, or kiss me, or you know, hold my hand. you make me feel like i’m the most important person in your life. like you can’t live without me. most of the times, you make me forget those simple issues that happen occasionally. most of the times, i just don’t care of who or what you think of. as long as you’re with me.
and with that, i know. i know i’m simply torturing you. and in knowing, i am torturing myself, too.