[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

Growing Up (2)

Growing Up (1)

Anna,

sometimes i just wanted to tell you everything. i wanted to comfort you, to take away all your burdens. but something’s always pulling me back. i don’t want us to be that close. i don’t want you to be dependent on me. i don’t want this friendship to get to the next level, whatever that is. i’m afraid of what’s next. honestly, every time i see you cry, it breaks my heart. but i couldn’t do anything about it. i’m not good at giving advices, or opinions, or backing you up. all i could do is cheer you up and make you smile. i might just mess things up if i meddle on your problems. i’m afraid no one would take me seriously, even you.

i know i couldn’t be like this forever. i know you need me, because you’re always a crybaby and i can’t bear to see you cry. i know i should grow up. i couldn’t take life as a joke forever. and i couldn’t stand knowing that you’re hurting inside and all i could do is give you your favorite ice cream. i should do better than that, right?

sorry, i’m just afraid. i’m afraid that if i take things seriously, i might feel something that i’m not supposed to feel. love, for instance. i’m afraid of commitments, of promises, of breaking up, of slowly moving on. i don’t want to feel those feelings that make you cry. but it’s not possible. no matter how hard i try to mask myself, to shield myself from involvement, or relationships, or heartaches, they would come.

sorry, i’m not good at showing emotions. but believe me, i could feel every ounce of what you feel. and so i wanted to change. i wanted to be the first one to help you out on everything. sometimes, laughter is not the best medicine. i would be of no good if i stay this way. i want to protect you. i want to be the knight, not just the joker. i want you to give me a second chance and be my friend again.

Austin

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