Growing Up (3)
after i read your letter, i felt broken again. i realized that i almost lost you right after i lost my boyfriend. i felt more stupid than ever. i wanted to say sorry. i wanted to say that i understand. i wanted to run to your house and just hug you. hug you like nothing else mattered, like i could hug you forever, like all our pains would melt away through that hug.
but i didn’t. because you were already away when you sent that letter. i spent the vacation not talking to you. you tried calling me many times, but i didn’t answer. all your attempts to talk to me were a failure. i didn’t notice that vacation’s almost over because i was busy ignoring you and trying to make myself happy without you. you went to college a week after the vacation. that was a different city, a different world. i was left to deal with the same problems before you left. on my own. well, maybe i had my girl friends to whine to, but with you it’s different. without you, i felt empty. i couldn’t laugh.
i went to a state university. i couldn’t remember half of what i did there. it seemed that every day was the same as the day before. every day is dragging. i had nothing to look forward to. i was overthinking my problems. i didn’t have you beside me. the only change that happened? it was already you who were causing my tears to fall. i was crying because of you. because i missed you, for god’s sake!
anyway, semester break came. i heard you were back in the neighborhood. i got excited. i was gonna see you, finally! we met at a friend’s birthday party. i was drunk that time, whining about stuff i couldn’t remember now. maybe i got dumped again. oh well. you showed up in front of me, all smiles. i returned your smile with a sniff. and i just broke down. you hugged me.
hugged me like nothing else mattered, like you could hug me forever, like all our pains would melt away through that hug.
“what’s the matter?” you said.
i was dumbstruck. i didn’t know what to say because you never asked that question before. you never asked what’s wrong. i thought you never cared.
“am i allowed to tell the details now?” i clumsily said.
“of course. i’ve changed.” you answered.
“not a lot, i hope.”
“nope, not a lot. just the ones you wanted me to change.” and you tickled me until i gasped for air. and i vomited after that, because of too much beer. but i felt lighter. everything’s almost back to normal. you were there, laughing. i was there, crying. perfect.
“so, which one do you wanna see. the knight or the joker?” you teased.
i poured everything to you. you were there beside me, silently listening to my every complaint. i felt giddy of emotions, really. but you made it easier for me to arrange my thoughts and feelings. and there i was, confused as always, the crybaby, the girl who felt like her burdens were heavier than others’. and yeah, i remembered we spent the night playing scrabble and drinking coffee at our house. and it was the nostalgia that made me cry that time, not the problems i was complaining about. it was the memory of you and me and us. i missed Timezone, and Enchanted Kingdom, and ice cream, and playing basketball. somehow, those are the things that made me forget, even for a while. and at that moment, those are the things that made me remember.
and as i was looking at you, i realized that you already grew up. and i didn’t.