[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

Relationship issues.

We often see our current relationship as a constant sruggle. We confess that happiness only lies in the first months – the beginning which conceals our true human identities, capabilities, and possibilities. Who would have thought that there’s an end in forever, that the bliss we felt at the start would soon turn into a pit of sadness, and that the fairy tale we’ve woven with dreams and promises would collide with reality?

No one. We’re clueless.

As our relationship turns sour, we begin to put so much effort on trying to fix it – smearing a glue of endless compromises at the cracks made of mistakes and broken promises. We try so hard to bring our old selves back, not knowing that the more we try to dwell on the past, the more we get stuck there and not move forward. We spend a lot of time trying to remember, embracing the memories as if they’re more beautiful than what really happened, and seeing the present situation as a lost cause – a battle where nobody could ever win. With these, we feel empty.

Well, that brings us to our famous and precious dilemma between holding on and letting go.

We tend to ask ourselves:
How did we end up like this?
Is this relationship worth fighting for?
Am I the only one who’s trying to save this?
Do I want to end this?

These are some of the thoughts we’ve been thinking during those sleepless nights. We wonder if our other half is thinking of the same thing, if he/she is also going through this painful process of asking a lot of questions and not knowing the answers, or if he/she is sleeping soundly and not caring about this whole damn thing.

What’s this thing that’s bugging us? Emptiness.

It’s pretty difficult. When all we see is a stormy weather and a bleak tomorrow, when everything seems uncertain, and when we don’t know what’s going through your partner’s mind, all we can do is assume. The saddest part of it is that we always assume the worst. We believe more in what’s going through our own head than what’s really being said. We are consumed by paranoia, delusions, disbelief, and suspicions when in reality, we don’t have any single proof or confirmation. We tend to keep these things to ourselves and these doubts spread in our mind like a virus – destructive and unhelpful. But seriously, have we talked to them? Have we managed to keep the lines of communication open? Do we have an inkling, the faintest idea, of what’s really going on?

We are always afraid of confrontation. We fear that the answers to our questions are the ones we don’t want to hear, the ones that may hurt us, the ones that are going to end our relationship. We prefer pretending that nothing’s wrong than admitting that we’ve been on a steep road for a while now. That is our biggest problem.

At some point, we get stranded in chaos. We choose to vent out to our friends than talk to him/her. When he/she ask what’s wrong, we keep our silence. We ask for a cool-off to clear our minds, but really, who are we kidding? We put a lot of imaginations and lies in our head instead of clearing it. That’s when it gets more complicated. That’s when we get more confused.

If only we didn’t assume. If only we thought that they will understand. If only we poured our heart out to them in the first place.

For some people, it’s not yet too late. Some couples survive this kind of challenge. For a few, they both know that it’s not going to work but they still hold on to their relationship because of attachment. For most, it’s the end. They fall apart.

I know it’s a sad ending for this post but this is reality. We tend to overthink. We forget that it’s a two-way relationship and we just go on with our own train of thoughts without including our other half. Most of the problems are only in our mind. We see the present worse than it really is and we do nothing about it. We spend days and nights thinking that he’s a jerk or she’s a bitch without even bothering to know the truth. We blame them for hurting us. But the real problem is us – we distort the truth, we make up stories in our own heads, we keep everything to ourselves, we think that they will never understand.

Funny when we look back at all these mess, when we see what happened in a different light, and when we see our ex months or years from now, we will ask ourselves:

What the fuck happened to us?

It’s just us when we are in a relationship – we are so inlove, we care too much, we complicate things, and we don’t think straight. Our relationship will only be a constant struggle when we carry the burdens all by ourselves. We become selfish. That’s when we feel empty.

And believe me, when we’re in a relationship, emptiness weighs a lot heavier than tons.

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