[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

One-month rule

When I got traumatized by a certain break up, I found it hard trusting anyone again. I hung out with guys and spent time with them, but I kept my distance. I avoided too much involvement, knowing that the moment I get attached with someone, I’m gonna end up hurt. That’s why I made this one-month rule. One month with a certain guy I like. Just one month.

It’s called short-term relationship.

I always made it sure that they knew. I don’t like commitments and complications. What I want is the fun of being in a relationship without being suffocated too much. I don’t want to start owning them, because when I do, I’m gonna start demanding. I don’t want to feel jealous. And I don’t want them to feel the same. So, it’s just one month. ‘Cause after that, we’re gonna start asking for more.

More is scary.

They understood me. I didn’t want to get steady. I knew they didn’t like this kind of arrangement, but they agreed because they thought they might make me change my mind. Whenever the month ends, they ask for an extension.

You all might think that I’m a heartless bitch collecting cute boyfriends and dumping them in just 30/31 days. But believe me, it’s hard stopping myself from falling in love. It’s extremely difficult letting go. Sometimes, I was thinking of settling with them. Sometimes, I let happy thoughts enter my mind. Those thoughts that perhaps, this one guy could make a difference and he would keep his promises and he would not hurt me.

Yet, it’s more difficult to get used to being with someone. If they keep filling up my world, I might not learn how to live in a world without them, once they left. If I didn’t end it in one month, who knows when it’ll start falling apart? A day after one month? Two months? A year? I don’t have any assurance. I’m afraid of uncertainty.

At least, when I say it’s gonna end by the end of the month, we could both prepare ourselves.

I know most of you would tell me that this kind of relationship sucks and is totally pointless. I don’t care. It’s my life. I don’t live up to anybody’s expectations. One day, I’d grow tired of fooling myself. But right now, this is me – completely fucked up.

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