[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

Sorry hun.

Earlier, Alex and I had dinner together. He was just released from the hospital yesterday. He seemed fine, though not as energetic as before. I wish I could have been more caring and thoughtful and girlfriend-ly. But it was just awkward, knowing that while he’s recuperating on a hospital bed, I was…

Oh, well.

Tinanong nya ako, “Bakit mo ine-erase yung wall posts ko sa yo?” I said, “Kasi baka mabasa ng relatives ko. Alam mo naman sila, mang-iintriga lang.” Sus! Palusot!

Tinanong nya ulit ako, “Bakit ina-untag mo yung pics natin, pag tina-tag ko sa yo?” Same reason, sabi ko.

I wanted to tell him everything. That it’s just a halfhearted relationship. And my conscience was beginning to haunt me. I wanted to say that I don’t like our pictures on my profile because I’d be removing them anyway when it’s over, by the end of the month. I don’t want my facebook profile to be in a relationship. At least there, I am free. I don’t want him to leave something behind, when it’s all over, like wall posts and comments and pictures.

I thought to myself, what have I brought myself into? He asked me to be his valentine. And I just smiled, hugged him and cried. He said, “Don’t be too emotional, hun. You’re making me blush.” Only if he knew what I was thinking. That those tears were not of happiness but of shame. I’m ashamed of myself for saying yes to this gorgeous guy when I am still in love with somebody else. I was crying because I was hopeless. I was selfish. I just wanted myself to be happy, on the expense of others’ happiness.

But seeing how frail he still was, I thought better of it and smiled at him. I’d find the right time to tell him everything.


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