You know what? All this time I was thinking that no matter how hard I try, I couldn’t let you go. I couldn’t let go of all the pain and hurt ’cause they all remind me of a good love story once upon a time. I was thinking, all my efforts were futile and nonsense, that whenever I try to take a step forward, I’d be stepping back twice.
But I was wrong.
I was just holding on to those stupid things because I thought they’re all that’s left for me to hold on to. I never searched for a stronger rope to pull me up. I had been grasping on thorns and rough vines for so long. I was afraid to fall into nothingness. I told myself that it was better to cling on to you than not clinging on something at all.
Again, I was wrong.
I realized all this shit when I went somewhere this weekend. I met a person there and he changed my views on everything. Yes, everything. He told me about love and lies and the constant search for truth. That there are more important things than immature romance. That people waste half of their lives wishing for something they cannot have. That teenagers can’t comprehend how big the world is, that’s why we get stuck in our own little fairy tales. Our safe havens. Our alternate reality. Our source of misconception and suffocation.
It was as if he could read into my mind and know even my deepest thoughts. I felt a certain connection, that even though he didn’t touch me physically, I felt his strong presence. Then I thought to myself, is it possible to fall in love with a complete stranger? Was I misinterpreting my feelings? Or did I just jump into the thought of love because after such a long time, he was the first guy who made me feel that I wasn’t alone?
I don’t know. Until now, I was replaying it all in my head. It was late at night. We were strolling along the provincial road singing love songs at the top of our lungs. We stopped by to eat lugaw. He gave me his jacket when he felt that I was shivering behind him. We stopped in front of a church to pray.
We prayed. I looked up at the moon was so big and bright. I didn’t know why I cried but I felt that something inside me needed to cry. He didn’t laugh at me. Instead, he held my hand like it was the most natural thing to do. He didn’t try to kiss me. He didn’t choke me with an embrace. He just stood there beside me and held my hand without an ounce of selfishness to it.
We talked until dawn.
He was the most mature 20 year old guy I’ve ever met. The kind with an easy laugh and transparent face. The kind who’s open about everything in his life and not afraid to share his secrets. The kind who’s easy to get along with. And fall in love with.
I don’t know what he thinks about me. Or if he thinks about me at all. When we parted ways, he kissed me on the forehead. He was hesitant to go. But I knew he was already tired, so I insisted. As I was laying on my bed, I looked at the ceiling. I was giddy with emotions. His last words still echo in my memory.
“Don’t worry. I’ll see you again. And soon. No matter what.”
And that’s when I realized, I didn’t think about you the whole time I was with him. And slowly, my heart is opening for someone again. It didn’t help when I forced myself to forget about you. Letting things be is way more effective. And when the time comes that I forgive every bullshit you did, remember that it’s because of him. For seeing through me when no one else did.