[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

JC

you know, i wonder if i still love you. i know now that we’re not going anywhere with this kind of relationship, whatever the hell it is. i know that i don’t have a chance of having a future with you. so why on earth do i still keep seeing you? perhaps it’s just attachment. or masochism. or stupidity. perhaps, i just don’t know what to do with my time and i just got used to wasting time with you. perhaps, having you around is better than spending my time alone.

i’m no longer expecting that anything good will happen between us. i’m no longer hoping that we will love each other like what they do on books and movies. fact is, i don’t give a damn anymore. things wouldn’t get normal. and i don’t care.

i know too, that we are just wasting our efforts by being with each other almost everyday. nothing good will come out of this arrangement. i’m getting tired of this friends-with-benefits kind of relationship. i just want us to be friends – clean cut. i don’t like getting confused with my feelings and not knowing where to stand. i hate being second rate. i despise being fucked over.

but, if i say these things to you, am i ready for the consequences? will i be able to take it if i push you away and you do nothing about it?

honestly, i’m just afraid that if i ever make you leave, i’d realize that i still love you after all.

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