[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

Contemplation About Life

Piece of Heaven

When you grow up, you might ask me
How it is to raise you alone
I know I mess up, sometimes I feel
Like I can’t move along

But I put those thoughts aside
And when I see your little smile
I realize I now have
A piece of heaven in me.

Your fragile body gives me strength
Your twinkling eyes light up my world
Your sweet voice gives me courage
And urges me to move on

‘Cause when I cradle you in my arms
And when I hold your little hands
I realize I now have
A piece of heaven in me.


The Cliff

Here is where you died.
Your parents told me you jumped off this cliff
and fell down,
losing your last battle with gravity,
though by the look of things,
I think, perhaps,
this time,
you won.

I came here
full of questions
only you could answer –
questions brewing in my mind
since the day you died,
questions that made me doubt my very existence,
questions I would spend my whole life asking.

Standing here,
I tried to feel your presence.
Are you still here
waiting for me,
looking for me,
knowing that I would come here
and try to reach out to you,
wherever you might be?
Are you also trying to feel me
for one last time,
trying to talk to me
about why you died,
about how you lived?
Are you trying to search for answers, too,
because you didn’t find them there?
Or have you really gone on
to the other side,
to the great beyond?

How did you do it?
Did it cross your mind just once,
while you were walking to school,
or drinking coffee perhaps,
and you decided to go here,
just like that?
Or did it take time
to form in your mind,
possessing you,
owning you,
until you couldn’t stop it anymore?
Did you jump off
the moment you came here,
not allowing second thoughts,
not waiting until you were
a hundred percent certain
of what you were about to do,
if you could ever be?
Or did you wait for the right time,
if there was such,
wait for someone to come and rescue you,
wait for one last chance of redemption?
And if you did,
was it me you waited for?
Because you know I would do everything
to save you
if only I had any clue that you needed saving.
Did you run from way back there,
gathering momentum
so that nothing could stop you,
even yourself,
even if you ever changed your mind
on the last second?
Or did you just let yourself fall down,
put one foot in the air,
then the other,
Did you think of me
while you were here,
think of who you would be leaving behind?
Did you shout my name
one last time,
for the whole world to hear
that you loved me
until the end?
Or did you just whisper it,
ever so softly,
because it was meant for my ears only?
Did you look down,
building up the courage
to face the uncertainty
of what would happen next?
Or did you look up,
to whoever’s up there,
and entrusted everything
to the great unknown?
Did you feel the impact,
your bones breaking,
your heartbeat thumping faster,
giving all of its remaining energy,
then slower,
until it was gone,
your brain spilling
as it counted the final seconds,
the ultimate countdown,
when you reached the hard ground?
Or did you get numb in midair,
surrender to the darkness,
succumb to the shadows,
even before the crash?
Did you see a blinding light?
Did you see your whole life before your eyes?
Or did it come swiftly – death,
no theatrics,
no special effect,
just a simple crossing over
to the afterlife?

Did you really mean it?
Did you really decide to die?
I tried to rationalize your action
because I couldn’t accept that you,
the cheerful and resilient you,
would resort to something like suicide.
Did you really jump off,
knowing that death would be waiting for you below?
Wasn’t it just an accident,
that you just slipped
while looking down,
marveling at how far above the ground you were
at that moment?
Wasn’t it just an experiment,
that you were just trying to find out
if you could really fly?
Wasn’t it just your kind of extreme sports,
that you just wanted to feel
the adrenaline rushing through your veins,
that you expected to survive the fall
and live to tell the story?

And why?
If it really was as plain as taking your own life, why?
Why did you do it?
Were you running away from something,
trying to shake away the ghosts that haunted you,
wanting to escape to a more peaceful place?
Did you think the answers to your questions
would be found there,
wherever you thought your destination would be?
Were you tired of living,
of waking up every day,
of going through the same things,
of trying and failing,
again and again?

It doesn’t matter now, does it?
You are gone.
I think, if you could talk to me
at this very moment,
you would say,
your voice booming with pride,
that this is the only thing that you tried
and didn’t fail.
You would want me to stop asking, wouldn’t you?
You would want me to move on
because I wouldn’t find the answers here.
I wouldn’t find the answers
anywhere in this world,
in this life.
Death is not something I should question
while I’m still alive,
because death doesn’t give reasons,
doesn’t need justifications,
doesn’t provide explanations,
unless I want to die myself.

Yes, it is clear to me now:
I was trying to search,
not for answers,
but for closure.

Here is where you died.
Here is where I’m going to let you go,
because here was where you let go of yourself.
Here is the pitchfork of our journey,
and I must carry on with the old path,
the right path,
the one you left –
No, I wouldn’t follow you,
not this time.
Yes, I’ll meet you on the other side,
but not this time.

Here is where you died.
Here is where I’ll continue to live.
I hope we both find our solitude,
in time,
no matter how elusive it may be.

And because of the recent changes on Facebook, I found this.

I have a confession to make. I am so glad that I met you and although I haven’t said it before, I really like you. You are everything I’m not — understanding, responsible, thoughtful, sensitive, kind. I’ve always looked up to you, knowing that all I am is one selfish bitch. I know we haven’t talked much, because you’re always busy with projects and schoolworks. But I’m really grateful for those times you spent chatting with me, however short those conversations were, when I couldn’t sleep because of insomnia. I always bother you about petty things, and I’m sorry for that.

It seems that I have to find myself again. It’s one old cliche, but it’s the only appropriate thing I have to do right now. I don’t know where I’m going or why I’m going this way, wherever it is. All I know is that I’ve been so careless, so out of control, so tired, and so misunderstood. I wanted to find real meaning to this fucked up life. I know I’m being melodramatic right now. But hell, I wanted to be someone better than myself.

I wanted to love my course, which seems getting boring lately. I wanted to trust my friends, but all I did was to avoid them. i wanted to pour everything to my parents, but they were always busy with stuff and they got no time to talk to me.

I feel so alone right now and I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry again, for sending you this pathetic message. I know you wouldn’t read it all. But I wanted to make the effort, nonetheless. I’m not important to you anyway, just an online friend with whom you talk to in passing. But hey, with those random conversations, you made me feel listened to. You made me think that i still have a connection with somebody, however small that connection was. Because right now, even my friends are too busy to hang out with me. And I’m always the whiny-assed loser friend they’ll ever have.

I’m sick of all the drama really.
I want to end this.

I might be out of reach for a very long time.
Thanks, Rhailee, for being my friend.

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It was raining hard. Everything was pitchdark. I didn’t know where I came from nor where I was going. I walked and ran and tripped until my legs felt wobbly. I wasn’t sure if it was just a dream. I didn’t care. I wondered if this was my way of escaping and running away. From what?

I felt so cold and tired. But still, I wanted to go as far as possible, to anywhere my feet could take me. It was an eternity before I felt the world closing in on me.

I woke up in the infirmary. Angelo was sleeping, holding my hand. I couldn’t feel my body. It was as if I was floating. I was weightless. Was I dreaming again? Was I still alive? I just wanted to die.

It was one of those occasional breakdowns. Sometimes, I get fed up with all the stupidity and ridicule of life that I want to throw myself down a cliff, if there’s a cliff to be found. I think of all the wrong things I did, all those failures I made, all those problems and heartaches and pain. Then I said, if I were to kill myself, it wouldn’t be suicide. It would be euthanasia.

Sometimes, I get bored with the routine. Everyday is just the same fucked up shit. There’s nowhere else to go, no one good enough to be with. I get fooled and hurt by people I love. I get stalked by strangers. I convince myself that everyone’s going through some crap like me. But I’m not like them. I don’t give a fake smile. I don’t give a half-assed laugh. I’m obsessed with my burdens that I could no longer think of anything good about my life. I’m pathetic.

Sometimes, I just want to do something new. Like slash my wrist or jump off the fourth floor of our building or lie in the middle of the highway to get run over by a truck driven by a sleepy driver. It’s the excitement that ticks me to do it, the euphoria just before the crash, the blinding light just before I’m gone. To nothingness. To oblivion.

But death gives me a lot of questions. Would I get to see people crying over me? Where would I be? Is there such a thing as an afterlife? Heaven and hell? Would I return as a ghost and haunt those who hurt me so badly? Would I see the souls of the departed? That’s my dilemma. I want to die and yet I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of not knowing what happens after.

Yet, occasionally, I still have those moments of insanity. I still do it when I’m out of reasons to live. I still try to get to the other side, wherever that is. I sometimes lose my strength to hold on and loosen my grip on reality. Like now.

How does it feel to die? If only I could do it over  and over again…

First Conversations :)

You entered a crowded room without knowing a single familiar face. You sat in the corner fo a few minutes hoping someone would approach you and offer you a drink, at least. When no one came, you went to the bar and ordered something, a vodka maybe. Then you looked at your glass as if it was the most interesting thing around.

You were alone. And in a sea of strangers, you wanted to make a connection with someone. But you were afraid to make eye contact because it would lead to small talk. And admit it, first conversations are the hardest.

After an hour of talking to yourself and silently mocking everyone else in that room, someone finally sat on the chair next to yours and ordered the same drink you ordered. You looked at him (yes, he was a guy!) and smiled faintly. He smiled back too. You were dying to ask his name or comment on the music or say anything, in fact, just to talk to him. But he seemed to be looking around the room and waiting for someone, so you just kept your mouth shut, except when you were taking a shot.

Just when you were about to leave, he asked, “So, you were alone too, huh?” You smiled at the thought that he was looking around not to search for his pimp but to see if you were with someone. You went out of the bar with him and drove to a deli. You talked about lots of things, half of which you wouldn’t remember by the morning.

And as soon as you got home, you texted your best friend, “OMG i met this really cute guy and we are so alike!”

That’s how you first meet people. That’s how you make a connection with the world. You search for things you both like or dislike or care nothing about. You look for your shared interests. A common ground. It’s quite necessary that you find out about these things first because during the first conversations, differences seem to be like flaws. Faults. Dead ends.

You asked him once, “So, do you like The Beatles?” He said no. So you just said, “Oh, okay.” End of topic. That was a minus five on the likeness scale over there, honey.

See what I mean? No matter how alike you thought you were, you’re gonna find things that would make you think otherwise. As far as the conversation goes, you’re gonna begin to think that first impressions don’t always last. He hates your favorite ice cream flavor. You don’t like basketball or tennis. And you’d realize, you were just alike in some things. With the rest, you seem to disagree a lot.

Funny when you thought that this would go somewhere because you thought he was your soulmate. Because of what? ‘Cause of the fact that you were both alone in that bar at that night and drinking the same vodka? That had to count for something, right?

Actually, no. Sometimes, coincidences are just that. Coincidences. Funny traps of fate that are given assumptions by people too desperate to give meaning to senseless circumstances. Sometimes, two strangers meet and get to know each other because a certain connection, no matter how thin, is the only thing that could keep them afloat. So they hold on to that connection, destiny they say, because without it, life would be boring. People would be lonely and alone and drinking vodkas on their own for the rest of their lives.

Looking for common interests is a good thing. But finding differences and learning to love each other despite those differences are better. In a room full of unfamiliar faces, it’s just natural to engage in a conversation where you could tell him that you’ve been to the same Paramore concert that he’s been. That you both know the meaning of DOTA, whatever that is. That you both have theories as to how Amelia Earheart died.

But assuming that every conversation would be like this is wrong. Don’t ever think that the more you talk, the more similarities you’re gonna find out. Honestly, first conversations are the most shallow ones. If you stop talking to him after you learned that he doesn’t watch your favorite TV show, then you’re never gonna find out his whole personality. Who he really is.

Think again. In this world, you’re not looking for a copycat of your personality. Conversations are made healthy by debates and disagreements and petty fights. If you’re not up for that, then all you’re gonna have are first talks. No second, no third, no next. If you’re too close-minded about similarities and differences, well, hello reality! All you’re ever gonna find are people as different as you are. If you couldn’t accept that, stop going to a room full of nameless people, shut yourself at your apartment, and be as anonymous as everyone else.


“Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” Roald Dahl

1. A baby is taking its first few steps without falling.

2. Two people somewhere in the world, are falling in love.

3. Somewhere, someone is admiring a breathtaking sunrise, and somewhere else, a surreal sunset.

4. A soldier of sorts is diligently fighting the fight so you don’t have to

5. Someone who suffered from a severe injury last year is back on their feet.

6. A small group of people are building something that will soon make the impossible possible.

7. Somewhere on Earth a double rainbow is stretched from one end of the horizon to the other.

8. One of the next Billboard-chart-topping musical artists is patiently rehearsing in her garage.

9. A piece of literature is being written that will eventually change your perspective on life.

10. A friend is helping a friend rise above thoughts of suicide.

11. People of various religious backgrounds are in temples, churches, mosques and other places of worship praying, wholeheartedly, for world peace.

12. An elderly couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

13. Two best friends are laughing so hard that they aren’t even making any noise.

14. A firefighter is running into a burning building to rescue a perfect stranger.

15. Someone in your hometown genuinely wants to be your friend.

16. A new mom is lying in a hospital bed and holding her baby twins for the very first time.

17. Someone is taking a shower and singing happily at the top of their lungs.

18. There is someone out there who smiles when they think of a specific moment they once shared with you.

19. An alcoholic just celebrated one full year of sobriety.

20. Volunteers in major cities all over the world are working at homeless shelters caring for those who are less fortunate than themselves.

21. A high school athlete just broke their own personal record.

22. Two teenagers just received their very first kiss ever from each other.

23. Someone is hugging a friend who desperately needs it.

24. Someone just placed their spare change in the charity collection cup at the grocery store.

25. A small group of friends are sitting around a table sharing funny stories and cheerfully reminiscing about the good old days.

26. Honest people are working for various government entities to help protect your basic human rights and civil liberties.

27. An emergency room surgeon is in the middle of saving his patient’s life.

28. Someone is holding the door open for the person behind them.

29. Someone out there is missing you and looking forward to your next visit.

30. We are reminded that extraordinary things happen to ordinary people, and that there is beauty and wonder in everyday life.

Source: Internal Acceptance Movement