[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

Creative Writing

Too Much Light

I’ve always been fascinated by city lights.

But tonight, they suffocate me. I feel the neon signs closing in on me. Mocking me. The street lamps are glowing. I am not. The building windows are brightly sneering at me. Towering over me.

As I walk away from him, I painfully count every step, silently wishing upon the stars. “Please, don’t let him let me go.”

But there are no stars. You can’t see the stars here in the city. There’s too much light.

Tonight, I despise the city lights. They obscure my view of the sky. They radiate life and energy. Such an appropriate ridicule for what I feel inside.

Dead and empty.

Tonight, I belong to the shadows.


First Conversations :)

You entered a crowded room without knowing a single familiar face. You sat in the corner fo a few minutes hoping someone would approach you and offer you a drink, at least. When no one came, you went to the bar and ordered something, a vodka maybe. Then you looked at your glass as if it was the most interesting thing around.

You were alone. And in a sea of strangers, you wanted to make a connection with someone. But you were afraid to make eye contact because it would lead to small talk. And admit it, first conversations are the hardest.

After an hour of talking to yourself and silently mocking everyone else in that room, someone finally sat on the chair next to yours and ordered the same drink you ordered. You looked at him (yes, he was a guy!) and smiled faintly. He smiled back too. You were dying to ask his name or comment on the music or say anything, in fact, just to talk to him. But he seemed to be looking around the room and waiting for someone, so you just kept your mouth shut, except when you were taking a shot.

Just when you were about to leave, he asked, “So, you were alone too, huh?” You smiled at the thought that he was looking around not to search for his pimp but to see if you were with someone. You went out of the bar with him and drove to a deli. You talked about lots of things, half of which you wouldn’t remember by the morning.

And as soon as you got home, you texted your best friend, “OMG i met this really cute guy and we are so alike!”

That’s how you first meet people. That’s how you make a connection with the world. You search for things you both like or dislike or care nothing about. You look for your shared interests. A common ground. It’s quite necessary that you find out about these things first because during the first conversations, differences seem to be like flaws. Faults. Dead ends.

You asked him once, “So, do you like The Beatles?” He said no. So you just said, “Oh, okay.” End of topic. That was a minus five on the likeness scale over there, honey.

See what I mean? No matter how alike you thought you were, you’re gonna find things that would make you think otherwise. As far as the conversation goes, you’re gonna begin to think that first impressions don’t always last. He hates your favorite ice cream flavor. You don’t like basketball or tennis. And you’d realize, you were just alike in some things. With the rest, you seem to disagree a lot.

Funny when you thought that this would go somewhere because you thought he was your soulmate. Because of what? ‘Cause of the fact that you were both alone in that bar at that night and drinking the same vodka? That had to count for something, right?

Actually, no. Sometimes, coincidences are just that. Coincidences. Funny traps of fate that are given assumptions by people too desperate to give meaning to senseless circumstances. Sometimes, two strangers meet and get to know each other because a certain connection, no matter how thin, is the only thing that could keep them afloat. So they hold on to that connection, destiny they say, because without it, life would be boring. People would be lonely and alone and drinking vodkas on their own for the rest of their lives.

Looking for common interests is a good thing. But finding differences and learning to love each other despite those differences are better. In a room full of unfamiliar faces, it’s just natural to engage in a conversation where you could tell him that you’ve been to the same Paramore concert that he’s been. That you both know the meaning of DOTA, whatever that is. That you both have theories as to how Amelia Earheart died.

But assuming that every conversation would be like this is wrong. Don’t ever think that the more you talk, the more similarities you’re gonna find out. Honestly, first conversations are the most shallow ones. If you stop talking to him after you learned that he doesn’t watch your favorite TV show, then you’re never gonna find out his whole personality. Who he really is.

Think again. In this world, you’re not looking for a copycat of your personality. Conversations are made healthy by debates and disagreements and petty fights. If you’re not up for that, then all you’re gonna have are first talks. No second, no third, no next. If you’re too close-minded about similarities and differences, well, hello reality! All you’re ever gonna find are people as different as you are. If you couldn’t accept that, stop going to a room full of nameless people, shut yourself at your apartment, and be as anonymous as everyone else.

Okay, emo na naman tong post ko.

Yun yung masakit eh. Yung sigurado ka na sa kalalabasan pero uumaasa ka parin na mababago yung mga pangyayari. Humihiling ka parin na magkaroon ng himala. Na sana umayon yung mga bagay-bagay sa yo kahit buong mundo na yung kalaban mo. Yung tipong ikaw nalang yung may malaking katangahan na asahan si batman, si bathala, ang swerte, ang feng shui, at ang kahit anong maliit ang kinalaman sa cause and effect ng buhay.

Isa pang masakit? Yung katabi mo lang yung taong mahal mo, pero namimiss mo parin sya. Hindi mo alam kung ano, pero alam mong may kulang. Alam mong may mali. Alam mong sa isang iglap lang, mawawala na sya sa yo. Gusto mo syang layuan para malaman mo kung mahalaga ka talaga para habulin ka nya. Pero alam mo na yung sagot. Na kahit lumayo ka, hindi ka nya pipigilan, hindi ka nya hahanapin, hindi ka nya susundan. Hahayaan ka lang nya. Dahil ikaw lang naman yung mas nagmamahal.

Masakit din ang magbitiw ng desisyon na labag sa kalooban mo. Hindi mo alam kung kakayanin mo pero kailangan mong panghawakan. Masasaktan ka kapag iniwasan mo sya, pero mas masasaktan ka kapag pinagpatuloy mo ang katangahan mong ipagsiksikan yung sarili mo sa kanya. Dahil sa tuwing nakikita mo sya, nakikita mo ring hindi sya lagi sa yo nakatingin. Nasa iba ang atensyon nya. Ang isip nya. Pati ang puso.

Ang hirap magpanggap na okay ka. Yung tipong bago mo harapin yung mga kaibigan mo, pupunta ka muna sa banyo para i-compose yung sarili mo. Para makita mo sa salamin kung papasa na ba yung plastik mong ngiti. Para pigilin yung mga luha na isang puwing lang ay tutulo na nang tuloy-tuloy. Tapos sa gabi, iiyak ka ng bonggang-bongga. At kapag tinanong nila kung anong nangyari sa mata mo, ide-deny mo pa na nagmukmok ka magdamag. Sasabihin mo nalang, nakagat ng ipis yung mata mo. Iiwasan mo yung mga tingin nila para hindi na sila magtanong pa.

Pinipilit mo yung sarili mo sa isang bagay na alam mong pagsisisihan mo. Pero wala kang magagawa dahil hindi ka naman kayang ipaglaban ng taong mahal mo. Hindi ka nya kayang piliin na ikaw lang. Hindi mo sya kayang angkinin. Hindi mo sya maabot kahit ang lapit-lapit lang nya sa yo.

Sabagay, isang araw magigising ka nalang na limot mo na sya. Mapapagod ka rin magmahal. Aapaw rin lahat ng sobra. Pero sa araw na yun, mananatili sa yo ang sangkatutak na katanungan. At panghihinayang.


She Needs a New Journal

The one she has is problematic. To get to the present, she needs to page through the past, and when she does, she remembers things, and her new journal entries become, for the most part, reactions to the days she regrets, wants to correct, rewrite.

– Dave Eggers, How the Water Feels to the Fishes

Guess How Much I Love You

by Sam McBratney

Little Nutbrown Hare, who was going to bed, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare’s very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening.
“Guess how much I love you,” he said.
“Oh, I don’t think I could guess that,” said Big Nutbrown Hare.
“This much,” said Little Nutbrown Hare, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go.
Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. “But I love YOU this much,” he said.
Hmm, that is a lot, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.
“I love you as high as I can reach.” said Little Nutbrown Hare.
“I love you as high as I can reach,” said Big Nutbrown Hare.
That is quite high, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I had arms like that.
Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea. He tumbled upside down and reached up the tree trunk with his feet.
“I love you all the way up to my toes!” he said.
“And I love you all the way up to your toes,” said Big Nutbrown Hare, swinging him up over his head.
“I love you as high as I can HOP!” laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down.
“But I love you as high as I can hop,” smiled Big Nutbrown Hare – and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.
That’s good hopping, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I could hop like that.
“I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river,” cried Little Nutbrown Hare.
“I love you across the river and over the hills,” said Big Nutbrown Hare.
That’s very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think any more. Then he looked beyond the thorn bushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be further than the sky.
“I love you right up to the MOON,” he said, and closed his eyes.
“Oh, that’s far,” said Big Nutbrown Hare. “That is very, very far.”
Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night.
Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, “I love you right up to the moon – AND BACK.”

Feelings of a First-Timer

The hallway was silent. It was as if I was walking in slow motion, looking warily at every door, straining to hear even the faintest of sounds. I felt like one of lockers would open any minute and it would swallow me alive, into nothingness, into oblivion. I looked at the walls and they gave me goosebumps as if they were breathing. Every corner seemed hiding an invisible creature ready to jump at me when I was not looking. Paranoia devoured me.

I knew I was about to do something terrible. I was afraid to open my locker because I hate its creaking sound and it might be heard by unwanted people. They might notice me. But I had no choice back then. I had to get my things and get out as soon as possible.

I walked slowly towards my locker. As I was about to unlock it, a loud bell rang. I panicked. I looked around and all the doors opened at once, letting wild people out.

Oh well, no need to cut classes. It was dismissal time anyway.

top 7 things I want to happen to bad people

1. one tooth would fall off whenever they curse, but will grow back when they say nice things and mean it.

2. a rain cloud would always follow them wherever they go.

3. they would always be in a traffic jam.

4. there would always be spilled coffee, juice, or spaghetti on their clothes.

5. people would always look at them strangely.

6. they would always forget an important thing whenever they leave.

7. they would wake up as good people.