I suddenly remembered him, you know, from nowhere in particular. His tall athletic build. His dancing eyes under those long eyelashes. I remember how gentlemanly and thoughtful and caring he was to me. He was like that to all girls, you know, but I had this make believe story that I was special to him. I noticed every single kindness he did to me. He tied my shoelaces once, you know. See, I still remember. Every. Single. Thing. Back then, I thought I loved him. Now, I’m not so sure about what I felt before. I was so young then, a teenager dreaming of a fairy tale and conflicted about real emotions and feelings.
Well, it started during our field trip. My barkada divided into smaller groups and couples and I was kind of left alone. So, Cathy, my best friend then, asked him to accompany me throughout the day. She was going with my uncle and Angeline, my other best friend, was with John. Oh, the couples that time. So he, being so infatuated with Cathy, couldn’t say no and stayed with me until the bus ride home. Looking back, I wonder if he really enjoyed my company or got bored but just kept his feelings. Anyway, it was a very memorable day for me. We even had a picture together, with him ever so handsome and tall, and me ever so smiling and slightly leaning on his shoulders. We were wearing our PE uniforms. Ugh, see, I remember everything. He was the ultimate gentleman. He held my hand every time we were getting out of the rides. He held my hand when we were getting out of the bus. He tolerated my fear of haunted houses and let me cling to him when we were inside that awfully wretched place. And on the bus ride home, we sat together. He lent me his jacket and let me sleep on his shoulder.
That was the day I fell in love with him. Or so I thought. I started writing diaries about him. I blankly stared at him during class. I was sitting at the back, left side of the room, and he was sitting at the right side, near the window. Then it got awkward. We seldom talked to each other. I think it was me who ran away. I think I was afraid of getting hurt. I was new to this thing, you know, back then. So, I didn’t know what to do. I was stupid.
It was Bulprisa week and we seldom had classes. One dismissal time, we talked. I forgot the details but that was the first time we talked seriously, since the field trip. Everything that happened next was a blur. He was still kind to me, but I was kind of wishing for more. More than friendship, I mean. More than polite smiles. At a young age, I hoped for romance. And got disappointed.
Well, anyway, I remember avoiding him for the rest of the school year. It was difficult because I was really drawn to him, you know. I managed to ignore my little infatuation when I heard he was going to change school next school year. I convinced myself that it was gonna be more painful if he already left and I still had a big crush on him.
But, he didn’t change school the following year. And I still remember our first conversation in a long time. It was our general cleaning and our chairs were all outside the classroom. I was sitting there, my head on the armchair, expression kind of glum. He passed by and asked, “Ui, okay ka lang?” He was smiling. I smiled too.
And for the record, I miss him. This is nostalgia, you know. Deep inside, I was hoping that he, or anyone else, would ask if I’m okay and wouldn’t believe me if I said yes.
(Ugh, the rain really gets into my mood right now.)
I still talk about you in present tense, like you’re just around the corner ready to surprise me with a bunch of flowers again. Not a lot of people know what happened. It’s not that I don’t want them to know. I just don’t want their fake sympathies and stiff hugs and cold pats on the back. I mean, even my closest friends with whom I shared this story didn’t know what to do or say. I know, it’s a difficult situation, one I couldn’t get out of in just a short time. I still hug Kero-chan to sleep. I still text your phone number. I feed myself with our bittersweet memories. I just can’t get over you.
Remember when we were so in love? You with me, I with someone else. I was a pathetic loser for loving him so blindly even though I could see you very well. You understood me completely, that it takes time to move on, that I need you to get my mind off him, that I was stupid for being so romantically attached to someone else when I know in my mind and heart that I’m better off with you. You were patient and kind and gentlemanly and sweet. Why did you have to go before I could say I love you too?
I wish it was that easy to know your whereabouts. I wish I could still see you from time to time. I wish you wouldn’t go to where I couldn’t follow. I wish you were still here, with me, on Earth, in my reality. Here, now.
I have a confession to make. I am so glad that I met you and although I haven’t said it before, I really like you. You are everything I’m not — understanding, responsible, thoughtful, sensitive, kind. I’ve always looked up to you, knowing that all I am is one selfish bitch. I know we haven’t talked much, because you’re always busy with projects and schoolworks. But I’m really grateful for those times you spent chatting with me, however short those conversations were, when I couldn’t sleep because of insomnia. I always bother you about petty things, and I’m sorry for that.
It seems that I have to find myself again. It’s one old cliche, but it’s the only appropriate thing I have to do right now. I don’t know where I’m going or why I’m going this way, wherever it is. All I know is that I’ve been so careless, so out of control, so tired, and so misunderstood. I wanted to find real meaning to this fucked up life. I know I’m being melodramatic right now. But hell, I wanted to be someone better than myself.
I wanted to love my course, which seems getting boring lately. I wanted to trust my friends, but all I did was to avoid them. i wanted to pour everything to my parents, but they were always busy with stuff and they got no time to talk to me.
I feel so alone right now and I don’t know what to do.
I’m sorry again, for sending you this pathetic message. I know you wouldn’t read it all. But I wanted to make the effort, nonetheless. I’m not important to you anyway, just an online friend with whom you talk to in passing. But hey, with those random conversations, you made me feel listened to. You made me think that i still have a connection with somebody, however small that connection was. Because right now, even my friends are too busy to hang out with me. And I’m always the whiny-assed loser friend they’ll ever have.
I’m sick of all the drama really.
I want to end this.
I might be out of reach for a very long time.
Thanks, Rhailee, for being my friend.
who showed their enormous concern when you found out i was hanging out with him again, now is the best time for you to say, “I TOLD YOU SO.” i was blind and stupid and crazy. i thought he might really change for the better. i thought he would treasure me this time. but, second chances are totally for idiots who didn’t see the point of the first chance. i would’ve given him a second chance, but i realized, i was just saying it like that. the second chance was really for myself, not for him. ’cause deep inside, i know it’s not gonna work, but i still went for it.
i thought, this time it’s gonna last forever. LOL. who was i kidding? i should’ve known that i was just a pastime. that weekends are the days he was looking forward to, and not the days when he could meet me. that he made a big fool out of me for almost believing in his iloveyous and imissyous again.
almost. it was almost perfect. he almost had me there.
so, here i am again. i know, when we guys meet, you’re gonna drown me with scoldings and lame advices. but when that happens, i’d follow every bit of advice you’d give me. ’cause now i learned how the fuck it would go if i went the other way around.
Nagsimula ang lahat sa isang monster float. Ay, dalawa pala…
Nasa SM North ako noon, gumagalang mag-isa dahil abala ang mga kaibigan ko sa paggawa ng schoolworks. Abala din naman ako noon kung tutuusin, pero dahil isa akong dakilang procrastinator, nagpalamig muna ako sa mall. Gusto kong takasan ang malupit na kapaligiran sa loob ng campus.
McDo, June 2010, 6pm. Dahil uwian at dinner time pa, maraming kumakain sa paborito kong fastfood. Wala akong maupuan kaya nagpasya akong mag-take out na lang ng monster float. Paalis na dapat ako noon nang may tumawag sa akin. Nang lumingon ako, nakita ko s’ya sa isang table, mag-isa. Ngumiti ako. Kinawayan ko s’ya at nagsimula na akong lumakad palayo dahil nahihiya akong lapitan s’ya. Pero tinawag n’ya ako ulit kaya napilitan akong samahan s’ya.
Monster float. Yun lang din ang inorder n’ya.
Cheesy man kapag naiisip ko ngayon ang bagay na ito, pero noong mga sandaling iyon, nakita ko ang lungkot sa kanyang mga mata. Noong nakatingin ako sa kanya, puro panteledrama ang mga linyang sumagi sa aking isip. Malungkot s’ya, at kahit paano n’ya itago sa akin ang katotohanang ito, naramdaman ko pa rin. Siguro dahil noong mga panahong iyon, pareho kami ng kalagayan.
At kahit paano man namin ipagpilitan, hindi mapapawi ng isang monster float ang aming pagkalumbay.
Hindi na namin namalayan ang oras. Sa dami ng aming napagkwentuhan, nakita na lang namin na 9.30pm na at malapit nang magsara ang buong mall. Hindi ko alam na masaya pala s’yang kausap. Akala ko dati ay isa lamang s’yang striktong nerd na genius na puro libro lang ang inaatupag. Pero mali ako. Malaya ko s’yang nakakausap tungkol sa maraming bagay. Kung hindi lang sana sumasagi sa aking isipan na hindi kami pantay ng katayuan at dapat ko rin s’yang bigyan ng karampatang paggalang. May isang malaking pader na namamagitan sa amin at hindi namin pwedeng tibagin iyon.
“Pero pwede nating akyatin ang pader na iyon.” sabi nya, maraming buwan ang nakalipas mula noong pagkikita naming iyon sa McDo.
“Pero… diba trespassing yun?” tanong ko.
Hindi s’ya nakasagot. Napaisip na lang ako. May mga taong hindi mo kayang abutin kahit gaano s’ya kalapit sa ‘yo. May mga bagay na hindi mo pwedeng angkinin kahit walang nagmamay-ari nito. Gusto mong sabihin sa iba ang tungkol sa inyong dalawa pero alam mong maraming tututol. Dahil ikaw at s’ya ay hindi magkatugma.
Buti pa yung monster floats namin, laging magkatugma.
Minsan, nagdala ako ng Coke float sa klase. Nang makita n’ya iyon, nag-blush s’ya ng sobra at hindi na nakapag-concentrate buong oras ng klase. Hindi na ako nagdala pa ng float simula noon.
January 2011 na ngayon. Madalas pa rin kaming gumala at magpalipas-oras nang magkasama. Umiinom pa rin kami ng monster float palagi, pero hindi na sa loob ng classroom. Nangingiti na lang ako ng palihim sa tuwing napapadaan ako sa McDo at bumibili ng float.
Pero hanggang ngayon, nakapagitan pa rin sa amin ang malaking pader na hindi namin matibag. At natatakot pa rin kaming akyatin ito.
Natatandaan mo ‘to?
“Sana magkapit-bahay lang tayo. Tapos gagawa ako ng secret tunnel mula sa kwarto ko patungo sa kwarto mo. Para madalas ang sleepovers natin. At kapag may problems ako, makakapunta kagad ako sa ‘yo, at ikaw ang magpapatahan sakin hanggang sa makatulog ako.”
Nakita ko lang sa old letters mo sakin 🙂 ♥
♦ i love the way your mouth forms a gorgeous lazy smile.
♦ though you act like a retard sometimes (or most of the times), you can still get away with it.
♦ you can always make me feel that you really care. until now, i’m still not sure if you’re just faking it or not.
♦ it’s so easy to laugh when you’re around.
♦ you never stop amazing me.
♦ when i’m with you, i believe that stupidity is a rather good and satisfying thing.
♦ i miss you already.