[october 15, 2009]
sana ganyan nalang yung mga friends ko. parang stickers na glow in the dark. para kahit total blackout ang life ko dahil sa sandamakmak na problema, makikita ko parin sila.
tulad ngayon, boung araw na akong nagmo-monologue. sarili ko lang ang kumakausap saken. feeling ko, ang hostile ng campus environment. wala akong mahagilap na kausap ngayon dahil busy ang lahat sa exams, papers, at projects. ako naman, heto at nag-iisip kung bakit wala akong ginagawa.
ang dami tuloy pumapasok sa blanko kong utak.
malapit na ang sembreak. hindi ko alam kung makakatagal ako ng at least two weeks na kasama si Tatay sa bahay. pag kasi magkasama kami, palagi n’yang pinaparamdam sa akin na isa akong malaking palamunin at alagaing salot. nakakasira talaga ng self-esteem.
iwas muna ako sa love life ngayon. hindi ko mapagkakatiwalaan yung sarili kong magseryoso pagdating sa pag-ibig. palagi akong may failure. at madali parin akong magsawa. siguro kung matino yung manliligaw saken, may pag-asa pa. pero kung usapang tambay na naman, ayoko na.
hindi na ako nakakapagsimba. feeling ko, ako yung msmong lumalayo kay God. nagkakaroon nga ako ng reason pero nawawalan naman ako ng faith.
hinahanap ko yung friends ko. pero ngayon pakiramadam ko, i’m at the darkest point of my life. wala naman sila. i was hoping that they would glow for me. pero wala. Nada.
nakita ko lang to sa luma kong notebook eh. sakto, ganito rin ang feeling ko ngayon. except for the lovelife part. haha.
kanina, nagvideoke kami. akala ko, para sa akin yung mga love songs na yun. iba pala yung kinakantahan n’ya. iba pala yung iniisip n’ya habang magkasama kami.
ang hirap palang makipagkumpetensya sa isang alaala. lalo na kung mas pinahahalagahan n’ya at ayaw n’yang bitawan yung mga memories na yun. ang hirap higitan ng isang babaeng kulang nalang ay sambahin n’ya. ngayon, habang kinukwento n’ya yung tungkol dun, nalaman ko kung paano s’ya magmahal ng totoo, na ibang-iba sa pagmamahal na ipinararamdam n’ya sakin ngayon. nalaman ko na hanggang ngayon may feelings parin s’ya dun sa girl, na higit pa sa feelings n’ya para sakin. hindi parin s’ya maka-get-over, kaya hanggang ngayon ang lakas parin ng impact nung girl sa kanya.
sabi ko na nga ba, everything is just too good to be true. parang deep inside me, alam ko na sooner or later may mangyayaring hindi maganda. and it was so soon. nasira kagad ang fairy tale ko. hindi ko naman s’ya ma-blame. it was kinda frustrating kasi naiintindihan ko s’ya. gusto kong magalit sa kanya pero wala akong mahagilap na dahilan para magalit. kaya wala lang, nagpapakabangag ako para makinig sa mga sentimyento n’ya, dahil wala na ‘syang ibang makausap. ang bigat sa pakiramdam.
pero gets ko naman s’ya. alam kong mas mabigat ang pakiramdam n’ya ngayon. kanina, wala s’ya sa sarili. tulala. tuliro. buti nga, kahit paminsan-minsan naaalala n’yang kasama n’ya ako. dahil alam ko, kanina, nandun s’ya sa sarili n’yang mundo…
…kasama ang first love n’ya.
[made yesterday, february 25, 2009]
i don’t even know what i’m supposed to write. i just grabbed the pen as if by instinct. perhaps, i missed the old connection. papel at bolpen. how could i forget that poem?!!
old ghosts are haunting me… again. i have that eerie feeling of going back in time and watching scenes of my past in slow motion. i hate this feeling. it’s not a joyful reminiscence. these are ghosts of my past, for God’s sake!
i know things aren’t going very well for me. i’ve been too sleep-deprived to focus on the important things. i’m not enjoying my life as a college student. i always look forward to weekends, thinking that going home is just the best escape from campus. but upon arriving home, the first thing that comes to my mind is getting away from home as far as possible. i miss being home, yet i don’t like being there. it’s like being with strangers. i couldn’t see my significance anymore. i couldn’t feel that they really care. i’m always ignored. when their attention is diverted to me, it’s never positive.
now, these old ghosts are reminding me that it’s actually my fault that my family is treating me like this. they are telling me how i got punished and scolded long long time ago. they are reminding me that i already lost their trust — something i could never take back.
so where’s this idea of moving on? getting over the past? will i forever be the bad girl? will they forever believe that i lost my way? don’t they know how to forgive?
the old ghosts are smirking.
[made last February 16, 2009]
i wasn’t so sure how or when it started. right now, i was just feeling it. i don’t need him anymore like before. i’m not looking forward to our next meeting. i’m learning not to care. and i hate it.
naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi gusto ko nang umayaw. heto na naman ako, madaling magsawa. pero kung iisipin ko, maswerte na nga ngayon kasi umabot ako ng dalawang buwan sa relationship. kasi nga, one month lang ang tinatagal ko. after one month, wala nang kwenta.
pero namimiss ko na talaga maging single. i don’t have to explain myself about things that are out of somebody’s business. i don’t have to flex my schedule to fit somebody’s time. i don’t have to think of commitments. i know it’s too selfish of me to think this way. i don’t really care, though. i just miss that carefree feeling when the thought of offending someone is out of my system. again, i miss being single.
still, i’m having second thoughts about breaking up with him. i mean, what then? would he let me go? would he cry? would he beg me to stay? or would i end up realizing that i’m not really important? nakakatakot… baka sa huli, ako pa pala yung masasaktan.
hindi pa tapos yung cold treatment nya saken. i was just wondering why i don’t care at all. siguro, tama nga sya na manhid ako. siguro masyado na nyang nararamdaman na wala akong pakialam. pero nasasaktan kaya talaga sya?
but to make things clear, hindi ko sya binabalewala para lang malaman kung masasaktan nga sya. hindi ko naman sinasadyang balewalain sya. misunderstanding lang. i just don’t think he would ever understand.
[made last February 8, 2009]
like now, i was thinking na ayaw ko nang magmahal ng sobra. kasi i know one day, all the good things would somehow backfire on me as the worst ones. you know, balance of nature and life or something. well, i don’t even know if i love him in the first place. maybe it was just part of my can’t-get-over-highschool feeling. i don’t really know.
i know it’s so heartless of me to make him mad so often. sometimes, i was thinking if i should break up with him already because there’s no special feeling anymore. perhaps i just got overexcited with the idea that my crush would be my boyfriend. later did i realize that he was just my crush and nothing more.
i wish i could really love him. but i couldn’t feel his love either. it was like we were playing games withe each other. THE FIRST ONE TO FALL IN LOVE WOULD BE THE LOSER. but i wouldn’t deny that i had fun with him. but that’s just that. fun. not love.
well, i was just listening to the radio and thinking of random things, mostly about him. i feel so fucked up because it was our second monthsary and he didn’t even greet me. maybe he forgot, or he didn’t greet me intentionally. yeah, i know, i’m so pissed off. maybe, i do love him, somehow.
[made last January 19, 2009]
nabasa ko yung previous entry. medyo natawa ako at nainis at the same time. hmm, how would i put this?!!
it was sort of ironic that i’ve gone to the point of desperation to have him back. i mean Abe. it was like wanting him and not wanting him at the same time. like only wanting him when he doesn’t want me back. like i don’t want this to be mutual. well, i wanted his attention at first, you know. and that’s where i’m confused until now. was seeking for his attention a sign of being in love? i don’t really know because i’m still having doubts if i really got in love already.
well, yeah, magulo kasi akong kausap. sobra. dati, gustong-gusto kong magkabalikan kami ni Abe. “akala” ko mahal ko nga talaga sya. [o baka naman minahal ko nga talaga sya.] hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang sarili ko. anyway, nagkabalikan naman kami. tapos naki-epal naman si Kuya KJ, at lalong gumulo ang buhay ko. i mean, gusto ko si Kuya KJ. sobra. it was a long story anyway. so, ayun, parang naulit lang yung dating nangyari samin ni Rey. But this time, hindi ako nakipagbreak kay Abe. mali ba yun?! oh, well, alam kong mali. that’s two-timing, i know. my point is wala namang naapektuhan sa kanilang dalawa. actually, conscience ko lang ang nagugulo. they really have different worlds. the only thing they have in common is their relationship with me…
so, mahal ko pa nga ba si Abe? AND mahal ko ba si KJ? or nalunod lang ako sa reminiscences? hindi ko talaga maintindihan. maybe love ko silang dalawa at ako lang ang nagpapagulo sa utak ko. or maybe, dapat ko nang itigil ang lahat… pati ang pag-iisip sa mga ganitong bagay. ang haggard eh!!!