It’s new year! First day of 2011.
It feels somewhat anticlimactic. I’ve been looking forward to this day with great anticipation, and now that it’s here, it doesn’t feel special. Nothing’s different. I know that it’s bad to feel this way on the first day of the year, but I guess new years have already lost their essence in my life.
Anyway, fuck this 😀
To hell with new year resolutions and promises of being good. In the end, it’ll be the same old me, fucked up and complicated. I wanted to tell myself that I’d do better and decide wiser, but years come and go and I still end up on the wrong side of the road.
To me, new year just means another 365 days of trying to beat the cliché and barely surviving life’s mess. It means another year of trying to break the routine, to no avail. It means empty words and senseless actions of being good, yet disappointing oneself as he looked back to everything that happened.
I might sound all negative about this day, but on the upside, I’m just being realistic. Knowing the outcome of something doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try. And it doesn’t mean that I’d try less than before. Looking back at all my wasted efforts and unfinished goals, I’d have a stronger resolve to outdo myself. New year doesn’t mean another beginning. It means continuing where I left off. And it doesn’t mean another chance. It means realizing that choices are more reliable than chances.
Yes, new year is just people’s excuse to ask forgiveness for all the stupid and bad and wrong things they’ve done for the past years. But after all’s said, where is the fulfillment part? Where is the action? It’ll be another cycle again, another year of trashing away their life and hurting others, so that in the following year, they would have something to call their new year resolution.
And as for me, I’m done making lists of supposed-to-be-changes to my life and forgetting about them as soon as next month arrives. I’m done promising and breaking those promises. I’m done with all those silly drama of being a good girl, when in fact, I’m as fucked up as everyone else.
Get real people. Don’t give shallow meaning to new year. For one, I’m being sad because I see a lot of you totally misinterpreting the quintessence of it all.
Anyway, new year should still be happy, right?
- uso ang mga multo. miss ko na si casper. kung na-retain lang sana nya yung ichura nya nung buhay pa sya, that angelic face of his, walang sawa kong hahanap-hanapin yun. kung bakit naman kasi naging cartoon sya nung mamatay.
- speaking of ghosts, ibang ghosts ang nagpaparamdam sakin ngayon. ghosts of the past. yung tipong aayawan mo talaga hindi dahil sa takot, kundi dahil sa sakit. kinukulit na naman ako ng mga sarili kong multo. napapaisip tuloy ako, napapabalik-tanaw. what happened to my life? what did not? anjan na naman sina What-if, If-only, and Should-have-been. most of all, the ghost of the love curse was haunting me. oh well…
- nagpunta kasi kami sa memorial park kanina. ang dami kong memories dun, all of which are best left buried. kanina, na-overwhelm ako. ang dami kasing tao. pero wala man lang dun yung mga taong nagpapaandar sa train of thought ko habang nandun ako. it felt like i was slowly drowning, each thought a painful nudge to my heart, each memory strangling me causing my unsteady breathing. worse, i know that only those people i was thinking about were the only ones who could save me. and they’re nowhere to be found. i knew i was good as dead. wow, too poetic. but yeah. mr. shades, namiss kita ngayon.
- birthday ni nanay. *singin’ happy birthday*. nagsimba kami ng 7.15 mass sa parish church. tapos nilibre nya kami ng lugaw. tapos, ang celebration nya ng birthday ay ang pagtutulos ng kandila sa mga namayapa nang kamag-anak.
- so, maghapon kami sa sementeryo. ang init. nakakabwisit lang yung mga taong walang magawa sa buhay. pagala-gala. nakakadagdag sa traffic. wala naman silang ibang ginawa kundi mambaswit ng mga babae at manghingi ng cellphone number.
- basically, i went cute-guys-hunting. not that i chased them around asking for their numbers. i’m not that cheap. wala lang, nagpalipas-oras lang ako sa ganun. nakita ko nga yung crush ko nung grade 6. hahaha! missed you kuya. u made my day.
- napagod ako. but when we were on our way home, nakita ko yung isa ko pang crush. naglalaro ng basketball. oui, tanggal ang pagod ko. he said hi kasi.
at dahil november 1 ngayon, happy all saints’ day sa lahat.
belated happy halloween. i stayed up till 3am last night watching cartoon ghost movies. it was fun. namiss ko na naman si casper…
if i could summarize it in one word, it would be: BITIN. 🙂
first of, super thanks sa lahat ng sponsors ko sa fieldtrip (sanse, korey, inang, tito toti). syempre, thanks din kay tatay dahil pinayagan n’ya ako. kung wala sila, it would be impossible for me to join the tour.
bread and tuna/cheezee spread lang yung baon kong food. haha! namburaot lang ako ng snack sa seatmates ko. ang sarap pala ng yogurt (yung parang glowstick), saka ng hello panda chocolate flavor. tapos, madami din kaming stopovers. overpriced yung lugaw, pero masarap naman.
nakakangawit matulog sa bus. haha! ang haba kasi ng byahe. tapos super lamig pa sa gabi. pero walang choice kundi matulog dahil yung TV on-board namin eh kinakalampag pa bago umandar.
ang ganda ng sceneries sa ilocos. fields, seas, mountains. parang disconnected talaga kami sa kabihasnan. feeling ko tuloy, ang sarap gumising sa umaga tapos dagat kagad yung una kong makikita. pwera nalang kung may bagyo or tsunami. hehe.
maaliwalas ang panahon nung first day ng trip namin. direcho kagad kami sa pagudpod. ang wild ng waves nun. after that, punta kaming lighthouse. then, to Java Hotel na. personally, i think ito yung highlight ng tour namin. hehe. ang ganda kasi ng ambience nung dining area. at lalong ang ganda ng rooms. may cable tv, aircon, fridge, at may heater yung shower. oooh la la! bitin nga yung stay namin dun eh. haaay.
anyway, umaga palang ng second day, nag-start ng umulan. medyo gloomy tuloy. madami kaming pinuntahang churches and museums. saka yung malacañang of the north, napuntahan din namin. i was totally looking forward to having a real long time sa heritage village. kaya lang, parang isang oras lang kami naggala dun. tsk3. wala tuloy akong masyadong nabiling pasalubong. as if naman madami akong pera nuh! 😀
on the ride back, tulog nalang talaga ako. pati sa stopovers, di na ako bumaba para kumain. kaya pagdating ko sa dorm, super starving na ako.
well, dapat makabalik ako dun sa ilocos. haha! bitin talaga.
i knew i grew up. time changed. life metamorphosed. i matured.
unlike before, i didn’t look forward to the celebration. i didn’t asked for a cake or an ice cream. i didn’t invite lots of friends. i just wanted that day to be over. ’cause it was more than just a date. it actually symbolized an ending, a beginning, and a continuance.
now that my seventeenth birthday had passed, i couldn’t seem to see much difference. yet i feel very different. perhaps, i learned that changes are not always obvious. sometimes, i have to let them pass by naturally. sometimes, it’s better to be not-so-self-conscious. ’cause genuine changes are those that i don’t notice, but other people do.
maybe it’s time to end my bad old ways. maybe it’s time to be a real angel. to stop grieving over old faults. and to be who i really want to be, not just a programmed and brainwashed kid. maybe it’s time to continue the battle i started, a battle in which i am the enemy of my own self. i have to beat my own records. i have to defeat old triumphs. ’cause the Angel i know is always ready to fight, sets better reputations everyday, and makes her history profound and superb.
i guess it took me seventeen years to realized all these. i know it’s not too late for changes. i still have my whole life ahead of me anyway…
…and i have to make sure that this life is worth living.
“ndi na ako magtataka kung solemn ang xmas party nyo.” may nakapagsabi lang sa akin habang kinukumusta yung xmas party ng choir.
pero solemn nga ba?..
parang.. parang hindi eah. kasi naman, tanghali palang, maingay na kami habang preparation ng food. sobra! pasimunuan daw ba ni Kuya Vince at Jhay, patay na! hehe.
like bumanat daw ba si Kuya Vince ng, “Ako ha, aminado akong panget ako. Eto, walang biruan talaga. Panget ako. Malakas lang talaga ang sex appeal ko.”
Sarap lang ibalibag nung mga patatas sa kanya ah!
Ganun lang naman ang mga usapan habang naghihiwa ng carrots, patatas, at kung ano-ano pa.
Alas tres ang call time. Alas sais dumating ang mga kababayan namin. Ako, six thirty. hahaha! Nakabuntot pa sa akin si Janjan. Pero, ayun, nairaos naman ang party kahit walang program.
“Hoi, Gigay, maliit ka parin daw sabi ni Kuya Mac!”
“Linchak lang… parang ke-tangkad-tangkad nyo ah.. hehehe!”
“Psst, itext mo nalang sa kin yung sagot.” sabi ni Jhay kay Papa Jeff bago maglaro ng pass the message via charade.
“Weh, ano ba kasi yung sagot?”
“Baboy na puyat.”
“Ha? Akala ko, asong sumisinga. Tsk tsk tsk!”
“Ang sinagot ko nga, pusang umiiyak eh.”
“Ke-dali-dali na nga nung pinapahulaan, di nyo pa nakuha!”
“Nakuha kaya namin, mali lang sya ng intindi.”
“Anu nga sagot nya?”
“Unggoy na dumedede.”
“Tanga, unggoy na kumakain ng saging ang sagot.”
“Kaya nga, sabi ko naman mali lang sya ng intindi.”
Nakarating din kami sa exchange gifts, ang last part ng party. Ganda nga ng regalo ko eah. Walong assorted shampoos. Ganda talaga! Pero may mas maganda pa dun. Syempre yung gift ni Jhay. Palanggana na may kasamang Tide. hahaha! Sobra!
Umalis na yung mga bata. Kami nalang ang natira para magsira ng videoke. Mejo nakakalungkot kasi hindi na kami masyadong inuumaga tulad ng dati. Ayun, nag-alisan na kami.
Pero hindi pa ako natulog kaagad.. Nagpakabangag sa bahay eah.