[it’s where you could find me when you couldn’t find me anywhere else]

My Faith

Brand New Light

You speak to me in my dreams
But You seem so far away
Your voice I’m straining to hear
‘Cause Your message isn’t clear

Now the dawn is breaking
The sun is sneaking
And suddenly You are near
You said, “Stop running
Start believing
In your mind and heart I shall live.”

So I wake up with cleansed soul
New hope and fresh eyes
And I face the world with a smile
‘Cause You, Lord, are my guide
My savior and my life
And You let me see everything
In a brand new light

One True Love

Seek for the love that doesn’t break or hurt you
Look for the promise that will be fulfilled
Search for the one who’s never gonna leave you
waiting in vain

‘Cause you know how it’s going to end
Broken hearts are always hard to mend
But if you lift your gaze up high
You will find Him there
And He will heal you

So tell yourself not to worry
And take your time, never hurry
Fleeting emotions are never steady
‘Cause you’re always scanning the crowd
But if you ever notice God
You’ll realize He’s your one true love

Seek for the love that doesn’t break or hurt you
Look for the words that you will believe
Search for the one who’s never gonna leave you
crying alone

Ever found anyone who will
Offer one’s life like He did
And if you lift your gaze up high
You will find Him there
And He will save you

Come Follow Me

We are young
And we don’t know ourselves
We are struggling to find
Our place in this world

We are lost
And we don’t know the way
We are running in circles
Trying to chase all our dreams

Then You appear in front of us
Lighting our path
So we kneel in your glory
We hear Your words at last

“I’m your Shepherd and you’re my sheep,
I will guide you when the road is steep,
Just follow your heart, come follow Me.
I’m your strength when you are weak
I will comfort you when you are sick,
Just follow the light, come follow Me.”

All the time
We’re confused
And in doubt of ourselves
From the time
We wake up
‘Til we lie on our beds

But then we lift ourselves to You
And let You lead our lives
Now we’re standing before You
Let Your words come alive


When I was a child, I was this model Catholic schoolgirl. My mother and grandmother would take me to church every morning, and my early waking hours were spent with them dragging me off the bed, and me sleepily taking a bath, putting on my itchy raffled dress, and absentmindedly walking out the door and getting on the tricycle. I had a rosary for a necklace. Every six in the evening, we would pray the Angelus, all adorned with burning candles on the altar and us kneeling before it. Every night before we go to bed, we would pray the rosary, but I would be snoozing off halfway.

My grandmother was an active Church member. She joined almost every group and organization concerning parish activities. My mom claimed that she had seen apparitions of the Holy Mother. My aunt was a choir member. And that left me, the little innocent child of God, entering the chapel to have my audition for the choir. I was barely eight then, and I couldn’t even distinguish one note from the other. But I still passed the audition.

I later joined the parish choir, and all its activities including a mini concert for a cause, interpretative dances, overnight vigils, and processions. As a child, I didn’t understand their real meanings. Most of the times, I was there for the free food and a chance to see my crush, an altar boy. I was possessed by blind faith. I was too eager to please The Almighty, hoping to catch a glimpse of Him whenever I did things as a terribly good child.

I had this illusion that I was the long lost sister of Big Brother Jesus, waiting by the front door for His return, listening to holy muffled footsteps, wishing that Jesus would come soon, arms outstretched, with chocolates and ice creams and toys. Later on, I learned that He was different from Santa Claus who, by the way, was also just an imaginary character. I thought He would come and save me from my father’s violence and benign neglect. I grew up from those desperate dreams and left my fairy tale cubbyhole along with my hopes and wishes of a good childhood.

When I was in high school, I still go to Church, mainly because we all have these mass cards. They were like Church attendance cards and we have to get the priest or the lay minister to sign them every time we go to mass. With most of us, it was more of a requirement than a freewill. After those mass cards were gone, only few of my classmates still went to Church.

I thought my school already inculcated those preachings in me. I thought that with those Bible studies and annual recollections, I would be invincible to temptations.  I remember writing about the immorality of sex before marriage, promiscuity, and polygamy. I strongly opposed divorce and annulment. I despised those who take their own lives. I believed that living an honest and religious life would take care of everything. Little did I know that I’d turn the opposite way.

By the time I went to college, I no longer cared about heaven and hell, the afterlife, and all those metaphors about reward and punishment by doing absolute good and evil. I no longer believed that Jesus and Catholicism are the only way ot be saved, if mankind ever needed saving. I mean, what about the Hindus and Bhuddists and other religions out there, smaller sects and cults that don’t even know God exists? What about the lonesome island people around the world that the Catholic missionaries couldn’t reach? What about an Atheist who, although he doesn’t believe in a higher being, has lived a nobler life than a proclaimed Catholic? Don’t tell me that he is doomed to hell just because he is not a believer. I decided that it is tremendously unfair that we get to live less than a hundred years, and when everything’s added up, voila, we either spend billions of years in a proverbial vacation spot or get grilled in a huge spit like a barbecue. Where’s the justice in that?

I was once this unyielding sheep, following His Highness without complaint, totally afraid that if I ventured far from the flock, I’d end up in misery. I sang songs of praise and prayed everyday for the good of others because I was expected to do so. Now, I’m cynical. If there’s ever a weighing scale for my every right and wrong, mine would be tilting towards the bad one by, first, not believing in God, and second, by pretending I do.

I’m not against any religion of some kind. For me, they’re just organized relative truths that people hold on to just for the sake of holding on to something. In this world, we all need something to believe in, something more powerful than what our minds could comprehend, something to place our hopes on and put our resentments at whenever we couldn’t understand what was happening. A higher being was imagined because we need something to fear and revere. Religion is just a collection of manmade ideas passed on throughout history, like culture, government, and tradition. There’s no harm in believing in it, but to think that there’s a greater supernatural out there watching our every move and planning our lives, it just doesn’t make any sense.

For me, whatever life it is I have in this world, this is it. When I’m dead, I’m dead. Lights out. It’s all over. There’s nothing beyond. No paradise or hell. No reincarnations either. I already lost my faith in the Bible because it’s full of contradictions. I don’t have to be good just because I’m required to be good, because I want to count blessings in small change, or because I’m collecting reward points so I could trade them for a nice hotel room in heaven. I am not to be threteaned by an eternal fire burning my soul and spirit, if no one could ever prove that a human has ever possessed a soul or spirit. I don’t buy those teachings that our lives are equally unfair, that we have to taste bitterness to appreciate sanctimonious bliss, that we have to endure pain and suffering just so we’d realize that something more powerful is out there to help us. I don’t believe that there’s an all-seeing and all-knowing creature up above that passes judgment to everyone. I don’t believe, either, that there are hundreds of evils lurking around us, waiting for us at the corner, following us, and whispering on our ears that we should do bad things to others. Hell, just by writing this, am I being empowered by the devil?

Thanks to Angelo, for the wisdom :)

“…just be good, and it will all work out for you. accept things you can’t change. PRAY:) i’ve lost my way too. let’s both return to Him. okay? Faith doesn’t make you a lesser man. and always remember, there’s more to life than human love. seek for the love that doesn’t break or hurt you…”

reply ko yan sa post ni angelo. i didn’t know this until the very moment i said it, but i felt good.

seek for the love that doesn’t break or hurt you. where did i get that one?

maybe, it’s about time that i return to Him. sana makita rin ni angelo ang tamang daan. i’m praying for my boyfriend na rin, na hindi man s’ya magkaroon ng paniniwala, makita sana n’ya yung goodness at pureness inside of him. everyone has a good side, kahit gaano man s’ya kasama, katanga, o kabobo. and i know, God will see that in each one of us, kahit hindi lahat ay naniniwala sa kanya.

“are you happy?” angelo asked. i couldn’t answer that yet. the answer is in the end. it’s not yet the end. i’m still on my journey.

i hope this will be my renewal. i’m continuing on my journey, this time on the right path. i want to be a better person.

Good Friday

Be Good. Be Right.

Let Go. Let God.

Holy Week

gettingreadyforthecross1tomorrow’s Easter. Holy Week’s almost over. and i still haven’t done what a Christian is supposed to do. i think i’ve been drifting away from my faith. and i’ve been going astray for a while now.

i hope my grip’s still that tight.

but reflecting on all the things Jesus did for us, i realized i haven’t done enough. sins are accumulating! oh well, i hope God could forgive me. i know He would. god is good

so i have to prove myself to Him again. i have to do away with things that upset Him. and i have to deserve His love.

He died on the cross to save us. now, i have to live for Him. with Him. in Him. so please someone enlighten me about things that became blurry lately. i have to find my way home. 🙂

Tomorrow’s Easter. it’s something that says He’s not really dead. He resurrected. and i know i will find Him alive within me again.

jesus-loves-youand so i know He loves me too. i know He won’t let me go the wrong way. cause as long as i’m holding His hand, He shall lead me to His Kingdom.

i’m inspired. it’s a start. 🙂