I suddenly remembered him, you know, from nowhere in particular. His tall athletic build. His dancing eyes under those long eyelashes. I remember how gentlemanly and thoughtful and caring he was to me. He was like that to all girls, you know, but I had this make believe story that I was special to him. I noticed every single kindness he did to me. He tied my shoelaces once, you know. See, I still remember. Every. Single. Thing. Back then, I thought I loved him. Now, I’m not so sure about what I felt before. I was so young then, a teenager dreaming of a fairy tale and conflicted about real emotions and feelings.
Well, it started during our field trip. My barkada divided into smaller groups and couples and I was kind of left alone. So, Cathy, my best friend then, asked him to accompany me throughout the day. She was going with my uncle and Angeline, my other best friend, was with John. Oh, the couples that time. So he, being so infatuated with Cathy, couldn’t say no and stayed with me until the bus ride home. Looking back, I wonder if he really enjoyed my company or got bored but just kept his feelings. Anyway, it was a very memorable day for me. We even had a picture together, with him ever so handsome and tall, and me ever so smiling and slightly leaning on his shoulders. We were wearing our PE uniforms. Ugh, see, I remember everything. He was the ultimate gentleman. He held my hand every time we were getting out of the rides. He held my hand when we were getting out of the bus. He tolerated my fear of haunted houses and let me cling to him when we were inside that awfully wretched place. And on the bus ride home, we sat together. He lent me his jacket and let me sleep on his shoulder.
That was the day I fell in love with him. Or so I thought. I started writing diaries about him. I blankly stared at him during class. I was sitting at the back, left side of the room, and he was sitting at the right side, near the window. Then it got awkward. We seldom talked to each other. I think it was me who ran away. I think I was afraid of getting hurt. I was new to this thing, you know, back then. So, I didn’t know what to do. I was stupid.
It was Bulprisa week and we seldom had classes. One dismissal time, we talked. I forgot the details but that was the first time we talked seriously, since the field trip. Everything that happened next was a blur. He was still kind to me, but I was kind of wishing for more. More than friendship, I mean. More than polite smiles. At a young age, I hoped for romance. And got disappointed.
Well, anyway, I remember avoiding him for the rest of the school year. It was difficult because I was really drawn to him, you know. I managed to ignore my little infatuation when I heard he was going to change school next school year. I convinced myself that it was gonna be more painful if he already left and I still had a big crush on him.
But, he didn’t change school the following year. And I still remember our first conversation in a long time. It was our general cleaning and our chairs were all outside the classroom. I was sitting there, my head on the armchair, expression kind of glum. He passed by and asked, “Ui, okay ka lang?” He was smiling. I smiled too.
And for the record, I miss him. This is nostalgia, you know. Deep inside, I was hoping that he, or anyone else, would ask if I’m okay and wouldn’t believe me if I said yes.
(Ugh, the rain really gets into my mood right now.)
Nagsimula ang lahat sa isang monster float. Ay, dalawa pala…
Nasa SM North ako noon, gumagalang mag-isa dahil abala ang mga kaibigan ko sa paggawa ng schoolworks. Abala din naman ako noon kung tutuusin, pero dahil isa akong dakilang procrastinator, nagpalamig muna ako sa mall. Gusto kong takasan ang malupit na kapaligiran sa loob ng campus.
McDo, June 2010, 6pm. Dahil uwian at dinner time pa, maraming kumakain sa paborito kong fastfood. Wala akong maupuan kaya nagpasya akong mag-take out na lang ng monster float. Paalis na dapat ako noon nang may tumawag sa akin. Nang lumingon ako, nakita ko s’ya sa isang table, mag-isa. Ngumiti ako. Kinawayan ko s’ya at nagsimula na akong lumakad palayo dahil nahihiya akong lapitan s’ya. Pero tinawag n’ya ako ulit kaya napilitan akong samahan s’ya.
Monster float. Yun lang din ang inorder n’ya.
Cheesy man kapag naiisip ko ngayon ang bagay na ito, pero noong mga sandaling iyon, nakita ko ang lungkot sa kanyang mga mata. Noong nakatingin ako sa kanya, puro panteledrama ang mga linyang sumagi sa aking isip. Malungkot s’ya, at kahit paano n’ya itago sa akin ang katotohanang ito, naramdaman ko pa rin. Siguro dahil noong mga panahong iyon, pareho kami ng kalagayan.
At kahit paano man namin ipagpilitan, hindi mapapawi ng isang monster float ang aming pagkalumbay.
Hindi na namin namalayan ang oras. Sa dami ng aming napagkwentuhan, nakita na lang namin na 9.30pm na at malapit nang magsara ang buong mall. Hindi ko alam na masaya pala s’yang kausap. Akala ko dati ay isa lamang s’yang striktong nerd na genius na puro libro lang ang inaatupag. Pero mali ako. Malaya ko s’yang nakakausap tungkol sa maraming bagay. Kung hindi lang sana sumasagi sa aking isipan na hindi kami pantay ng katayuan at dapat ko rin s’yang bigyan ng karampatang paggalang. May isang malaking pader na namamagitan sa amin at hindi namin pwedeng tibagin iyon.
“Pero pwede nating akyatin ang pader na iyon.” sabi nya, maraming buwan ang nakalipas mula noong pagkikita naming iyon sa McDo.
“Pero… diba trespassing yun?” tanong ko.
Hindi s’ya nakasagot. Napaisip na lang ako. May mga taong hindi mo kayang abutin kahit gaano s’ya kalapit sa ‘yo. May mga bagay na hindi mo pwedeng angkinin kahit walang nagmamay-ari nito. Gusto mong sabihin sa iba ang tungkol sa inyong dalawa pero alam mong maraming tututol. Dahil ikaw at s’ya ay hindi magkatugma.
Buti pa yung monster floats namin, laging magkatugma.
Minsan, nagdala ako ng Coke float sa klase. Nang makita n’ya iyon, nag-blush s’ya ng sobra at hindi na nakapag-concentrate buong oras ng klase. Hindi na ako nagdala pa ng float simula noon.
January 2011 na ngayon. Madalas pa rin kaming gumala at magpalipas-oras nang magkasama. Umiinom pa rin kami ng monster float palagi, pero hindi na sa loob ng classroom. Nangingiti na lang ako ng palihim sa tuwing napapadaan ako sa McDo at bumibili ng float.
Pero hanggang ngayon, nakapagitan pa rin sa amin ang malaking pader na hindi namin matibag. At natatakot pa rin kaming akyatin ito.
This campus was a witness to everything we had and did and shared since January. We talked and laughed and walked here. HERE.
Now that you’re gone, UP seems empty and lifeless. BORING. I tried perking up a little, to no avail. Everywhere I go is a constant reminder of you, and of me when I was with you. I’m very different now. I look at this place with different eyes – these eyes that shed millions of tears, eyes that no longer see you here. Everything’s different now. I suffocate at the memories, of those lovely moments that make me cry. Nostalgia is my enemy. And your face, I can no longer see in the midst of the crowd. It’s a sad recollection, knowing that we made so much here. It’s where we drew our dreams at the night sky. It’s where we always talk about our future together, which won’t come true anymore.
It’s hard. All these memories that are crashing me down. It seems that every wall breathes your name. Everywhere I look at, I see flicks of the past. I see scenes that drown me into a sea of regret and longing and unchanging love.
I tried. Believe me, I tried moving on. I did everything to erase your part in me. But thoughts of you always sneak in my malfunctioning mind. I still can’t accept that it’s already over. That I have to endure another semester without you as my comfort, my best friend, my support. I can’t see myself having to do this alone. WITHOUT YOU.
I’m still incomplete. I love this place but it’s haunted without you.
“sir, nawala po yung skin ko!” -classmate to the instructor, pertaining to the onion skin peeling.
“s’ya si angel, manonood s’ya ng sine bukas. sama kayo.” -my classmate introducing me to class.
“s’ya si michael. favorite water, tap water. favorite foot, right foot.” -another classmate introducing someone to class.
“sino’ng prof mo sa bio 11? Si ma’am cantiller. Huh?” my classmates and I talking. ma’am cantiller is my psych 145 prof.
“aah. sino prof mo sa 118? divine love ocampo?! whut? aii mali, divine love salvador. aah, buti naabutan mo pa s’ya sa 118. aii mali, sa 115 ko s’ya prof.” -sabaw si classmate. 😀
Student: Wala na po.
Prof: namayapa na?
Student: nag-cancel lang po.
Student: Sir, kayo na po ang stable na instructor namin?
Ako (epal): aii hindi, super unstable nga ni sir eh.
i already miss school. i know i’d regret saying this later.
fuck crs for making my life miserable during registration period. hello again to oh-so-long prerog lines.
i still don’t have a dorm. i don’t know where i’ll stay.
i’m opting for three majors this sem. psych, math, and bio. i hope i’d get them all. and i hope i’d survive them all.
the sunflowers along the university avenue are already blooming. they’re a pretty sight during the summer. sunshiny and golden. they seem to radiate a positive kind of energy which makes me forget that i hate this campus;)
the sunflowers seem to remind me that everything will be fine.
i hope. with a smile:)